You’ll be shocked this week to learn that Alabama — a state that dares to defend our rights — only defends rights aligned with certain political ideals. You’ll be puzzled as state legislators selling the idea of local control in education ignore input from local school boards. Yes indeed, over the next week, you’ll become fully aware that “Get the government out of my life” is a fun way of saying “The government should only be used to forcefully enact the things I want to happen.”
After an employee for the popular online review site Yelp! reveals her salary is barely enough to buy food, you’ll wonder why the Internet is surprised. Perhaps, you’ll ask yourself, people don’t understand the free market? A website that facilitates little more than complaining surely isn’t a cash cow, is it? However, even a Reagan Conservative like yourself will be aghast at the corporate greed once it’s revealed Yelp! does not include a way for users to complain about Yelp!
Two weeks after presidential candidate and eternal bore Jeb Bush drops out of the race, you’ll be able to secure his campaign website domain for pennies on the dollar. You’ll reach financial prosperity by turning jebbush.com into a porn website featuring tantalizing yet risque photos of the former candidate. For a little extra flavor, you’ll add the phrase “please clap” to the bottom of the site. It’ll literally be the most exciting thing to happen to anything associated with the former Florida governor.
After the city rejects a proposal to bring traditional rail service back to Mobile through Amtrak, you’ll come up with an idea for a train to space that will ride on rails made of carbon nanotubes. The city will agree to put up money for the first of its kind space rail terminal. But the brakes used to hold the train in place while in space will fail on its maiden voyage, sending passengers on the most terrifying roller coaster trip ever. They’ll survive, but mankind’s spirit of adventure will be damaged forever.
In an effort to stem the tide of discontent brewing among the bus-riding public in the greater Mobile area, you’ll come to the City Council with a plan to provide a zipline service across the city. Sure, it’s less safe than a bus ride, but it’s a whole lot more fun. Customers will start at the top of the RSA tower downtown and glide west toward Airport Boulevard. It becomes a raging success, but is soon canceled when it’s discovered the city isn’t insured for bird collisions.
Disappointed with the peanut-butter-to-jelly ratio in a six-pack of Keebler peanut butter and grape jelly crackers, you turn to your test kitchen to create the perfect anytime snack. Knowing that consistency will be key, you’ll strive to determine the ideal balance while also experimenting with several different varieties of crackers, peanut butters and fruit preserves. Several weeks and thousands of taste tests later, you will have identified a handful of better combinations, but more pressing will be the sudden need to create the perfect anytime laxative.
You’ll re-evaluate your life’s work after a respected acquaintance tells you your horoscope writing has become too damn political. Endless thoughts of weaving pop culture, local news, inside jokes and bad euphemisms into quasi-scientific prophecies meant to be consumed by only the most gullible of readers will lead to countless sleepless nights. Your insomnia will only be cured when you finally remember the random word that’s been on the tip of your tongue for several hours to describe an act too taboo for horoscopes: necrophilia.
The meth heads living across the street from your home will become increasingly disruptive after they accidentally discover a new cooking method: stir and whir. Much like shake and bake, the resulting product still requires users who never attended so much as a high school level chemistry class to mix volatile chemicals in unsanitary environments, but the act of using a coffee stirrer in a mug printed with your initials appears much less conspicuous and tends to put the tweakers at ease.
Tired of supporting local politicians who won’t stand up for their convictions, you’ll decide to run for City Council on an anti-tree, pro-business platform. You’ll campaign on the idea that it is best to cut down every tree in the city to avoid future tree controversies. Supporters and opponents alike will dub you the Anti-Lorax, the one who speaks against the trees. You’ll lose the race to an environmentalist promising free Foosackly’s chicken fingers to citizens who plant trees along Highway 98.
When the leader of your multilevel marketing business gets busted by the feds for fraud and embezzlement, you’ll be stuck with boxes full of organic, gluten-free exotic health foods in your garage. Listing the remaining items on eBay, you’ll be surprised at the lack of interest in the kale peanut butter smoothie mix and the asparagus chip cookie batter. Rather than give up, you’ll open an organic food cart at the Foley outlet mall, where soccer moms will love the overpriced, underflavored treats.
A personal record of five consecutive years without a toddler throwing up on you will come to an end when your 2-year-old daughter catches a stomach virus while potty training. You will regret feeding the child that second helping of spinach when it is expelled from her tiny mouth and onto your shirt. A big fan of “The Exorcist,” your annual Halloween viewing of the film will never be the same, as the “pea soup” scene will hit a little too close to home this year.
Passing on a discounted bundle, you’ll spend months refusing to buy the downloadable content for one of your favorite video games before finally giving in. The credit card swiped, you’ll soon realize avoiding the cheaper option was a disservice to yourself, but so was purchasing the new content at all, which you correctly predicted to be underwhelming. As you go through the motions in levels that look and feel identical to the old ones, you’ll come the realization that you’ll always be poor and you’re mostly OK with that.