Gemini (5/21-6/21) — Following a successful Hangout Music Festival experience, you and your “floppiness” will decide to make the short jaunt to Orange Beach for a few extra days of pleasure. You’ll make sure to Uber over there and stay in someone’s smelly garage — you know, because you’re a darn rebel. The Orange Beach City Council (tribunal, or small community campfire) will ban you from their paradise. You’ll immediately come to downtown Mobile and get your jollies by boiling contraband crawfish on the sidewalk. You’re not a very nice person.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — You’ll be hired by a group called the “Yellow Smiles Society” to help protest a proposed Publix coming to Midtown. You’ll hold up signs, vandalize the “L” in the grocery chain’s brochures and yell at the upcoming planning commission meeting. You’ll find out too late, however, that the “Yellow Smiles Society” is actually funded by Wal-Mart. The megagrocer will swoop in and build only a giant parking lot to really stick it to residents. On the bright side, parking in Midtown will be effortless.
Leo (7/23-8/23) — You’ll spot Lenny Kravitz two weeks after Hangout Fest ends. You’ll be thrilled that he’s found coastal Alabama so inviting and fun. When you stop him and ask for a quick photo, he’ll confide in you the real reason he’s still having brunch at Spot of Tea. Apparently, he’ll say he’s afraid of bridges, overpasses and tunnels. Instead of taking a chance, he will decide to rent a downtown loft and make Mobile his new home. Eat your heart out, Ryan Reynolds!
Virgo (8/24-9/22) — Seizing upon the internet stardom of Chewbacca Mask Lady, you’ll wear the Wookie’s costume and film yourself performing everyday tasks like taking out the garbage. The video won’t go viral anywhere except north Baldwin County, where residents will believe it is footage of Bigfoot. The rumor will attract the “Finding Bigfoot” cast to Perdido, where they will stumble around in the woods and find inconclusive evidence of the monster’s existence.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — A parent of three children, you will take a side job as a health product distributor in order to prepare for the coming wave of summer expenses. You’ll soon realize no one will buy protein shakes from a bearded and balding fat guy. Undeterred, you’ll press on, eventually rising to the top of your multi-level marketing pyramid scheme by convincing potential customers that a photo of professional wrestler Mick Foley is actually a photo of you before protein shakes.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — You’ll pursue a career as a barista at one of the 23 coffee shops on the Eastern Shore. Although you’ve never worked in food service and your only coffee experience is the Keurig machine in your kitchen, you did receive an art history degree from a college in New England and you have an awesome summer scarf. You’ll be hired by the shop based on your Facebook profile photo alone. You’ll win “barista of the year” after creating a delicious free-range chicken latte.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/22) — You’ll spend Memorial Day honoring the country’s war dead by drinking a case of beer, making dismissive remarks about unfortunate people and overeating barbecued meat topped with a corn syrup-sweetened sauce. Nothing quite honors personal sacrifice like blasting Lynyrd Skynyrd and flying the rebel flag atop a pontoon boat anchored off Robinson Island. Your patriotism will shine as you slur through such songs as “Tuesday’s Gone” and “Saturday Night Special,” but the fireworks in your mind will explode when you add the phrase “Roll Tide Roll” to the chorus of “Sweet Home Alabama.”
Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — Donning a superhero mask and cape, you’ll fly to South Africa to get revenge for a local politician who was injured in a robbery. Referring to yourself as Councilman DJ Squall, your superpower is conjuring up a storm of electronic dance music capable of laying waste to all listeners and sinking passing ships. You won’t ever find the perpetrators or recover the politician’s personal effects, but you’ll be headlining festivals and dating Taylor Swift by the end of the year.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — You’ll become paranoid after you read a post on a group email list asking residents to cooperate with an upcoming door-to-door survey by state officials “wearing lime green and orange safety vests,” allegedly checking citrus plants in homeowners’ backyards for something called “citrus greening.” Certain “citrus” is really a code word for strains of marijuana named after citrus fruit, you’ll move your Orange Kush and Lime Haze plants out of your shed and into a spare closet, just in the nick of time.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — After a typo in the Texas Republican party platform suggests the entire Lone Star State might be gay, you’ll begin to wonder if other long-held political beliefs could have stemmed from careless errors. Looking back, you’ll wonder if “trickle-down economics” was actually intended to be “fickle pound economics” — Reagan’s absurdly passive plan to move America toward the metric system that was never realized. For weeks, this small error will keep you awake at night as you run through the possibilities of what America “might have been.”
Aries (3/21-4/19) — Unfamiliar with recent updates to the Facebook messenger app, you’ll find yourself an unwitting internet star when you live stream a 45-minute video of your face during a bowel movement. Though you won’t notice, a rogue swipe of the thumb will have you broadcasting a decidedly private moment to a world of followers in cyberspace. American entertainment being what it is, though, the stunt will see you promptly offered a new reality TV show and eventually secure you a position in President Trump’s cabinet.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — A week after the health department ends the tradition of rotating crawfish boils downtown, the people of Mobile will revolt. Taking to the streets, the group of angry restaurant patrons will storm a MAWSS facility and add several pounds of unused cajun seasoning to the city’s drinking water supply. After continued attacks from both sides, the city will finally yield — once again allowing mudbugs to boil on Dauphin. Unfortunately, the water shall remain cajun flavored for the better part of the next decade.