Leo (7/23-8/23) — Armed with a great misunderstanding of property law, you’ll stake claim to a portion of Langan Park. After asking you nicely to leave, MPD officers will be forced to carry you off the premises. You’ll scream “Government overreach!”

Virgo (8/24-9/22) — While on a visit to GulfQuest, you’ll watch in horror as legit pirates take control of the facility’s ship simulator from a group of visiting local elementary school students. Upon learning the simulator is fake, the pirates will politely leave.

Libra (9/23-10/22) — You’ll be famous, for a little while, once you discover Alabama’s own version of the Loch Ness Monster in the Mobile River. The discovery will immediately lose all its fanfare when you name the monster Moby and everyone assumes it’s after the ‘90s performer.

Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — To finally develop Baldwin County’s vacant $32 million Mega Site, you’ll finance and construct the world’s largest all-inclusive trailer park resort, spa and cornhole community. “District Doublewide” will eventually incorporate and play host to the 2064 Olympics.

Sagittarius (11/22-12/22) — In an 11th-hour attempt to influence municipal elections, you’ll hack into the emails of local mayors and city councilors. You’ll fail to find any evidence of local corruption, but evidently they didn’t do anything to prevent Benghazi either.

Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — To mitigate the increasing expense of indigent burials, you’ll offer a cheap solution: namely, one part formaldehyde and one part a proprietary blend of supplemental chemicals. The only question remaining will be where to display the giant glass jars.

Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — You’ll celebrate “back to school” season by wearing a pair of JNCO pants, a chain wallet, a Nine Inch Nails T-shirt, a Neff beanie and Vans shoes. Scoffed at by Millennials and younger, you’ll be embraced by the local Juggalo community.

Pisces (2/19-3/20) — After the city of Mobile reduces its police jurisdiction, you’ll get your chance to live out martial law fantasies. A longer response time might concern others, but those people have clearly never lured a trespasser into a pit of sharpened sticks.

Aries (3/21-4/19) — The University of South Alabama will remain unscathed following a decision permitting students to use the bathroom of their gender identity. Despite some initial blowback, the majority of those who threatened to boycott were destined for community college anyway.

Taurus (4/20-5/20) — With the debate over a lottery Montgomery and flooding in Louisiana, local media won’t notice the alien invasion besieging coastal Alabama for at least a week. Finally, a TV station will break the coverage vacuum with a Strategy PR poll asking: “Aliens: Yasss or nah?”

Gemini (5/21-6/21) — During an upcoming trip through Baldwin County, you’ll realize just how big it actually is. Unfortunately, it’s a discovery you make after running out of gas between Stapleton and Loxley — forcing you to spend the night in an abandoned hay barn.

Cancer (6/22-7/22) — You’ll exercise your political muscle next year when you donate a dollar to the Mobile City Council candidate of your choice. That single clam will come with a certain level of expectations. You’ll be disappointed the candidate doesn’t share your expectations.