Sagittarius (11/21 – 12/22) — A weekend trip to a comedy show will take a downward turn when your inebriation leads to an attempt at heckling the performer. After being ridiculed from the stage to roaring laughter, eventually he’ll come down to the second row and put the mic in your face and ask if you can do better. Unprepared and frightened, you’ll say the first joke you can think of, — “What do you call a belt made out of watches?” *Silence “A waist of time.” *Additional silence*
Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19) — While attempting to purchase beers for the weekend, you’ll realize at the last minute you’ve forgotten your ID. When the clerk refuses to sell to you, you’ll be subject to ‘80s movie trivia and other abject horror to prove you’re of age. You’ll almost bungle it after failing to remember the entire second verse of “Everybody Wants to Rule the World,” but luckily you save it the last minute by perfectly recreating the audition scene from “Flashdance.” You’ll leave the store soaking wet with beer in tow.
Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18) — Your carelessness threatens to ruin an elaborate engagement surprise, planned for months by an acquaintance and fully involving a cast of his friends and family. He is upset at you, but the emotions work in his favor, as his girlfriend won’t know the tears welling up in his eyes are for his missing dog, rather than for his burning eternal love for her. You are forgiven after the missing dog is found, but only you know it is just a decoy dog and regardless, his new fiancé is going to get rid of it right after the wedding.
Pisces (2/19 – 3/20) — Now that the Crimson Tide is in the SEC championship game, you begin to write an apology letter to Lane Kiffin, letting him know you’re sorry for doubting him earlier in the season. Surprisingly, he’ll write back, eager to let you know that there are no hard feelings, but also that he really needs someone to talk to. The correspondence will continue for months, but you’ll get uncomfortable after he sends you draft play schematics for next season that curiously resemble private parts.
Aries (3/21 – 4/19) — Enlightened by a recent article recalling the 30th anniversary of Jaffree v. Wallace, you decide to scale the wall that separates church and state. Authorities are called to the License Commissioner’s office after you start meditating in line, leading to 11-minute tags. You are briefly detained at an ALDOT hearing for insisting all intersections be referred to as crosses. But they throw you in jail after you grab the mic at a County Commission meeting, insisting “Imma let you finish, but Moses had the greatest prayer of all time.”
Taurus (4/20 – 5/20) — Angry about getting fired from the local grocery store, you’ll hatch what you think will be the perfect revenge. You’ll sneak in overnight and twist the caps on all the two-liter bottles of soda just slightly. You’ll come by the next day and watch as customers complain to management about fizzless drinks. While clever, this trick will get you nowhere closer to being employed. Enjoy the small victory, though, because the cold winter of joblessness will soon crush your already fragile spirit.
Gemini (5/21 – 6/21) — Your casts will come off in a week, but you won’t get any relief from leg itch because the werewolf-like tuft of matted, sweaty hair will still leave you feeling irritated. You’ll break four razors and a pair of child-safe scissors dealing with the mass, but you’ll remain undeterred. Nair will finally do the trick and will leave you with the silky smooth legs you’ll want. You’ll take a stroll around the neighborhood in 1980s basketball shorts, just to show off.
Cancer (6/21 – 7/22) — Your hot dog cart signs will have the “Sour Krauts” steaming, like fresh buns. In the coming weeks they will take the signs down and steal the wheels from your cart as revenge. They will replace your bun-length hot dogs with regular ones, all in the name of retaliation. The minor annoyances will begin to add up. Finally, fed up with all the abuse, you’ll strike back. While the gang members are at a weekly cartel meeting, you’ll submerge their supply of buns in water. You’ll squeal with glee as the air bubbles rush out of the soon-to-be waterlogged bread.
Leo (7/23 – 8/23) — A week from Wednesday, an intense kolache craving will send you to a local bakery. You’ll ask for a pastry filled with cream cheese but receive cottage cheese instead. This mishap will cause you to vomit and become completely disgusted with the poor management. You’ll vow to start your own kolache stand to improve the pastry market as a whole. But take heed and be especially cautious of hot dog vendors as you may soon find yourself intertwined in a violent web of food truck rivalries.
Virgo (8/24 – 9/22) — After a friend-of-a-friend tells you that your eyebrows are “on fleek,” you’ll find the nearest computer to do some research on Urban Dictionary. Initially, you’ll be super upset that you’re unaware of this new phrase. You’ll quickly descend into a pit of despair, attempting to come to terms with the fact that you’re no longer hip and trendy. Fortunately, you’ll learn “fleek” simply means “on point.” Now you can secretly criticize that certain someone whose eyebrows are definitely not on fleek.
Libra (9/23 – 10/22) — A freak post-Thanksgiving football-in-the-yard accident will still have you walking like Quasimodo this week. After hobbling around the office for days, you’ve come to learn that your coworkers are downright hateful. You’ve since been a laughing stock and acquired nicknames like “Crooked McCrookster.” On the bright side, you’ll file a complaint with HR and win a pretty big settlement. But due to your PTSD, you’ll never pick up the pigskin again.
Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21) — Realizing your Netflix membership expires by the end of week, you’ll start a binge-watching session to rival all predecessors. After two days without sleeping and three seasons into Sherlock Holmes, you’ll start to drift in and out of a reality where you exist as an old British detective. Investigating clues around your apartment, you’ll concoct a hunch that the local mayor has murdered his estranged wife just before passing out with your beer bottle monocle still firmly in place.