Port City Premonitions

Gemini (5/21-6/21) — You’ll make a sizeable donation to the ongoing efforts to “Save the Crescent Theater” but be sorely disappointed when the iconic downtown film venue announces it will exclusively screen the works of Adam...

Taurus (4/20-5/20) — After hearing about a high school student who died from an overdose of caffeine from only three drinks, you’ll try to quit the substance cold turkey. Ironically, because of your newfound lethargy, you’ll be...

Taurus (4/20-5/20) — While enjoying a concert from the cheap seats at a local music venue, you’ll be forced to confront the truth that poor people used to be smaller. Your uncovered pre-existing condition is being marginally...

Taurus (4/20-5/20) — While leaving on a much-needed vacation, you’ll accidentally leave your oven set to “broil.” Fortunately, with a longstanding leadership gap filled, the Mobile Fire-Rescue Department will quickly contain the...

Taurus (4/20-5/20) — Ignoring a “final notice” to add a street-facing mailbox to your property, you’ll underestimate the U.S. Mail Mafia. While you won’t immediately notice your bills being routinely delivered late, it will be...

Taurus (4/20-5/20) — When you injure your hand during a DIY project, you’ll make a valiant effort to type with your feet. Sadly, your response time will have a significant impact on your troll game. Your lucky 4/20 head shop...

Aries (3/21-4/19) — Your Medicaid claim for pigeon toes will be rejected because they’re the result of your own free will. Your barstool at Hayley’s will be occupied by at least two sorority girls. Someone will playfully “boop”...

Aries (3/21-4/19) — Your retirement will be ruined as Winn-Dixie announces it will no longer recognize fuelperks at Shell gas stations. While your plan was admittedly risky, the short notice will have you trying to sell $300,000...

Aries (3/21-4/19) — Learning a Coca-Cola plant in Ireland had to halt production after machines became clogged with human feces, you’ll feel confident in your decision to switch to carbonated water. Though Perrier drinkers are...

Aries (3/21-4/19) — After seeing the excuse repeatedly used in the public sector, you’ll soon begin telling everyone you “resigned” from your last job and were not, in fact, canned for never showing up. Within a few months,...