Port City Premonitions

The gifts of Advent

Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) ­­— Still stoked after a recent Alabama snowfall, you spend the next few weeks pondering your potential snowboarding career in your new Alaskan home. Your Advent calendar reveals a stale chicken...

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Write-in candidates

Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) ­­— Never much of shopper, you should stop procrastinating and start working through your Christmas gift list. Buy something for yourself first. You’ll write in “Seasonal Affective Disorder” on your...

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Deck the halls

Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) ­­— Having not yet deflated after another indulgent Thanksgiving week, you attempt to overdose on Amazon’s lowest-rated colon cleanse. Your quirky holiday decoration is eight tiny “reinbeers.” Capricorn...

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Get ‘em while they’re hot

Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) ­­— After a meal fit for Robert Effin’ Baratheon, you’ll spend Thanksgiving evening with more regrets than your first marriage. Your Black Friday doorbuster is a multipurpose dry chemical fire...

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A few other embarrassments

Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — This weekend may be your last opportunity to visit the Mobile International Festival before President Donald Trump builds a wall around it. You’ll embarrass the state of Alabama by asking for white...

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Unlocking the deadlock

Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — You’ll be overwhelmed with a serious case of FOMO after failing to find the time and money to do everything you want this month. You attempt to resolve the Mobile City Council presidential deadlock with a...

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Aquarius earns high praise

Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — A mediocre CrossFitter at best, you’ll finally be recognized for your strength when you beat the field of 9-year-olds in the Greater Gulf State Fair tractor pull. Your lucky fair food is corn dogs....

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Scorpio scares kids as 9/11 conspiracist

Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — You’ll get your jollies on Halloween by hiding in azalea bushes waiting for trick-or-treaters to pass by. Once they’re within earshot, you’ll terrify them by whispering, “jet fuel can’t melt steel beams.”...

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Your big fat Greek horoscope

Libra (9/23-10/22) — You will petition the Oxford English Dictionary to officially correct the pronunciation of the word “gyro.” World-renowned linguists will study the Gulf Coast and agree, it shall henceforth be pronounced...

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Bubba’s Shrimp Fest recommendations

Libra (9/23-10/22) — Inspired by Gulf Shores’ split from the Baldwin County School System, you’ll announce your independence from a homeowners association. Like a rebel, you’ll build a pergola in the backyard without consent....

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