Port City Premonitions

A long, strange Independence Day

Cancer (6/22-7/22) — In Independence Day tradition, you’ll attempt to make ice cream from scratch. Afterward, you’ll inquire with Ben & Jerry’s about licensing your flavor inspired by “The Office” — “Don’t Harsh My...

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A hard rain’s a-gonna fall

Cancer (6/22-7/22) — In celebration of your birth month and the conclusion of an extended Netflix binge, you’ll emerge from your waterlogged home to find the daylight much brighter than you remembered. You’ll suffer the first...

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Bringing back more than fanny packs

Gemini (5/21-6/21) — You’ll pretend to be a 12-year-old so you can spend your summer at Space Camp. One night during an engine test, you and four teenage campers will be accidentally shot into space. Hilarity will ensue. Then...

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Put yourself in the right position

Gemini (5/21-6/21) — You’ll claim Artwalk itself is a performance art. You’ll adapt it into an off-Broadway musical that will be highly anticipated, but ultimately received with tepid reviews. You are, however, a champ in the...

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Capricorn goes crazy on the crawfish

Gemini (5/21-6/21) — Your attempts to watch Major League Baseball will be derailed after one of the first games you decide to take in features a gentleman named Buster Posey. Though you found it hard to take America’s pastime...

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Sagittarius creates a culinary sensation

Gemini (5/21-6/21) — You’ll make a sizeable donation to the ongoing efforts to “Save the Crescent Theater” but be sorely disappointed when the iconic downtown film venue announces it will exclusively screen the works of Adam...

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Libra leads city to a brighter tomorrow

Taurus (4/20-5/20) — After hearing about a high school student who died from an overdose of caffeine from only three drinks, you’ll try to quit the substance cold turkey. Ironically, because of your newfound lethargy, you’ll be...

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Trumpcare will not treat you kindly

Taurus (4/20-5/20) — While enjoying a concert from the cheap seats at a local music venue, you’ll be forced to confront the truth that poor people used to be smaller. Your uncovered pre-existing condition is being marginally...

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Sagittarius comes out of the sandwich closet

Taurus (4/20-5/20) — While leaving on a much-needed vacation, you’ll accidentally leave your oven set to “broil.” Fortunately, with a longstanding leadership gap filled, the Mobile Fire-Rescue Department will quickly contain the...

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Lumineers sing an homage to Cancer

Taurus (4/20-5/20) — Ignoring a “final notice” to add a street-facing mailbox to your property, you’ll underestimate the U.S. Mail Mafia. While you won’t immediately notice your bills being routinely delivered late, it will be...

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