Aries (3/21-4/19) — Your attempt at the Azalea Trail Run’s 10K stretches a few Ks farther after you’re diverted by a detour around the utility crews who have been working on the power lines for the past 100 years. Your reward is a banana and a beer. Celebrate spring by planting tomatoes.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — Emboldened by an excessive amount of Old Bay Seasoning and Tony Chachere’s at the Downtown Cajun Cook-Off, you’ll emerge victorious in an alligator wrestling contest. Unfortunately, you become the villain in PETA’s next ad campaign. Celebrate spring by taking a swim.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — Hearing plans are underway for a new Gulf Coast Zoo, you’ll raise funds for a special paddock for recovering horses victimized by bestiality. The campaign will find success with the hashtag #NEIGHVERAGAIN. Celebrate spring by mowing your lawn.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — You’ll be first in line for brunch this Sunday as you’re finally allowed to consume a bloody mary before noon without the threat of bankruptcy and prison sex. As a bonus, you finally get the fried chicken at The Blind Mule before they run out. Celebrate spring by premasticating for a hatchling.
Leo (7/23-8/22) — Always the social justice warrior, you’ll boycott the opening of the midtown Publix this weekend until the cheap, plastic barrier wall around the development finally comes down. In retaliation, the conservative City Council will deport you to Greer’s. Celebrate spring by wearing floral prints.
Virgo (8/23-9/22) — You’ll be briefly detained after seeking an appraisal at the Antique Bottle & Collectibles Show & Sale, only to be told you’re in possession of an illegal bong. Plug up the carb and make it vase. Celebrate spring by spreading your seed.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — You will escape any and all consequences simply by arguing, “If you believe you are something, then can you also be guilty of impersonating that something?” You will be nominated to the United States Supreme Court by President Donald Trump. Celebrate spring on a boat.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — Your trip to Baldwin County’s beaches for spring break will have you stuck in traffic for several years. During the journey, your car and all of its possessions will be acquired by eminent domain to build wider roads. Celebrate spring with a new deodorant.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — You’ll commit mutiny at The Wharf Yacht and Boat Show by taking command of a pontoon boat and cruising to the Flora-Bama. Once you reach Bayou St. John, you’ll engage in a cannon battle with the Niña and Pinta replicas. Celebrate spring by getting a tan.
Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — Knowing how easy they are to trigger, you’ll engage the Prichard Police Department in a Mario Kart-inspired pursuit, tossing banana peels and green turtle shells along the way. Hijack a duck boat and splash down to freedom. Celebrate spring with some white shoes.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — You’ll get a head start on Easter festivities by dressing up in a rabbit costume and hiding eggs around downtown Fairhope. Mistaking your gifts for explosive devices, the police department will call out the bomb squad. Celebrate spring by trimming your azaleas.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — You’ll welcome the new superintendent of the Mobile County Public School System with a gift basket filled with Valium and mini liquor bottles. Every month, you’ll also mail them canned excuses for failing. Celebrate spring and Robert Mueller.