Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — After losing a Christmas Eve bet, you’ll be tasked with cleaning the chimney in preparation for Santa. To your horror, you’ll find a decomposing skeleton in a faded red suit near the top of the chute.
Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — Even though you catch him breaking into your home, a grand jury will clear Santa of any wrongdoing in your fatal shooting after sleigh-cam footage captures you failing to respond to verbal commands to put your “Ho Ho Hands up.”
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — With Christmas morning come and gone, you’ll continue the tradition of watching meaningless college bowl games for days on end. At some point during the third hour of the Supercuts: National Pork Producers Council Bowl you’ll realize it’s actually February.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — A holiday dinner will turn tense after you ask a MAGA-supporting uncle if he’d like a scoop of “impeached cobbler.” Not to be outdone, your libertarian cousin will make a joke about constitutional process only to be drowned out in a bipartisan chorus of groans.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — In a bid to draw in more millennials, your church will rebrand some classic Christmas hymns with less forceful language in the titles. Your dad will strom out after he realizes “Go Tell It on the Mountain” is now called “If You’re Free, Ask About It on the Hill.”
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — When you catch Santa sliding gifts under the tree at your house, you’ll hit him with the classic “OK, boomer.” To your horror, the now not-so-jolly old elf will lecture you about ageism. You would’ve prefered coal.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — When a snowstorm closes off the roads most of the family would have used to get your house, you and a significant other will slowly eat a 12-pound prime rib roast over the course of the day. With your kerchief and cap soaked in meat sweat, a long winter’s nap is inevitable.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — After fighting valiantly on the front lines of the War on Christmas, you’ll return home fulfilled in the knowledge that you smugly corrected each and every retail employee nice enough to wish you a “Happy Holidays”… whatever that means.
Leo (7/23-8/22) — You’ll convince Santa to move from the North Pole to Florida due to the threat of climate change. Not much will change for Kris Kringle, but the elves will get some rather disturbing tattoos, become Dolphins fans and start vaping.
Virgo (8/23-9/22) — You’ll avoid talking to your children on Christmas Day after forgetting to buy them gifts. When they finally inquire about it, you’ll tell them Santa’s sleigh was gunned down in a no-fly zone. They’ll need lots of therapy.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — Feeling a wave of liberal good intentions flow over you, you’ll attempt to rewrite the lyrics to “Baby, It’s Cold Outside.” You’ll get stuck after the line: “Are you in the right headspace to stay a little longer?”
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — After failing to put together a child’s swing set by the Christmas deadline you set, you’ll simply start walking away from your home. It’s not that you don’t want to stay in your house or that you don’t love your family, because you do. You just don’t want to hear “I told you so.”
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