Leo (7/23-8/23) — Knowing a guy too embarrassed to admit how little he knows about football, you’ll encourage him to attend the “Girls of Fall” fundraiser dressed in drag. He’ll be ejected for unsportsmanlike conduct. You’ll build a sundial for the solar eclipse.
Virgo (8/24-9/22) — As one of only three undecided voters ahead of the mayoral election, you’ll seek advice from a nonpartisan source. The clergyman will advise you to write in Doris Brown. You’ll balance an egg on the sidewalk during the solar eclipse.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — You frankly won’t give a damn about the Saenger’s screening of “Gone with the Wind” as you arrive Sunday, more than a month early for Trombone Shorty’s next concert. There will be no showers or Wi-Fi, but at least it’s quiet most of the time. You’ll apply SPF 100 in anticipation of the solar eclipse.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — You’ll enroll in Alabama’s Strongest Man/Woman competition only to ask each of the other competitors, “Do you even lift, bro?” After observing the solar eclipse, your main takeaway is how similar the experience is to chewing 5 Gum.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/22) — In an effort to secure a major economic development project, you’ll plant the idea in the brain of an automotive CEO via dream inception. You’ll realize you’ve failed when human DNA is modified to replace feet with hoverboards. You’ll livestream the solar eclipse from Bamahenge.
Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — Taking a cue from the city of Mobile, you’ll stop paying your mortgage — using the dumb excuse you “forgot your banking password.” The lender will be totally cool with it, man. You’ll eat a few peyote buttons before watching the solar eclipse.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — Rather than seek more taxpayer money to build additional roads and bridges to the beach, you propose constructing a very large catapult. Travelers will safely land upon the giant pile of cash you save. You’ll be nearly blinded by counterfeit solar eclipse glasses.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — To revive the storied Gulf City Lodge, you’ll transform it into a joint prostitution and jazz museum. It will be the genesis of a mass body lice outbreak, eventually bringing coastal tourism to its knees, no pun intended. You’ll wonder what that big round thing is blocking the sun.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — You’ll renounce your U.S. citizenship after you feel forced to participate in another special election. When no other country will accept you, you’ll flip a coin on either Cuba or North Korea. You’ll watch the solar eclipse from a life raft in international waters.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — You’ll increase your tolerance for craft brews in preparation for the 20th annual Dauphin Street Beer Festival. Starting with a mild IPA, you’ll work up to chewing whole grains and dry hops. You’ll sleep through the solar eclipse, mistaking it for a lunar eclipse.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — You’ll be kicked out of a roundtable with Gov. Kay Ivey for asking her how her day has been. You’ll regret never getting to say goodbye as she succumbs to old age weeks later. You will have an obscured view of the solar eclipse.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — Friends and family will worry about your mental health as you become more of a reclusive miser. You’ll be involuntarily committed after you’re discovered gathering coins from the Fairhope fountain. You’ll be abducted by aliens during the solar eclipse.