The quiet drone of the evening news is broken by the sudden ring of the telephone. Against all better judgment our protagonist walks over to answer and is confronted by the dread all voters face these days…. robo calls.
Average Voter: “Hello.”
Robo caller: “Good evening sir or madam. Did you know Bradley Byrne lied and called Dean Young a thief? Several media outlets say so. Do you think Bradley Byrne should keep telling lies about Dean Young? Press 1 if you like hearing Bradley Byrne lie about Dean Young. Press 2 if you’d like to hear about terrible things Bradley Byrne is saying about you right now.
AV: “What? This is ridiculous.” Hangs up.
RC: “Good morning. Are you aware Dean Young took all the money he raised from a PAC and bought a jet ski with it? What do you think about that one? A jet ski!!! And the money was from innocent Christians! Press 1 if you think Dean Young should give that jet ski to a church. Press 2 if you think Dean Young riding Jesus’ jet ski is a sin….”
AV: “Who is this?” Hangs up.
RC: “Well hello. This is a short survey to find out what you know about Bradley Byrne formerly being a Democrat. That’s right a filthy Democrat! Press 1 if you knew he once gave Bill Clinton $500. Press 2 if you think Bill used that $500 on hookers. Press 3 if you think that means Bradley Byrne supports buying hookers for his Democratic buddies. We’d like it best if you push 3.”
AV: “Hookers? That does sound a little like Bill.” Presses 3 and hangs up.
AV: “Hey, this is getting ridicu…”
RC: “Sorry to interrupt your lunch, but this is important, madam. The Republican runoff for Congress is just days away and there is one issue of major importance. Are you aware that Dean Young looks a little bit like Walter White from ‘Breaking Bad?’ Think about it. Does that scare you? Press 1 if you’re afraid Dean Young will go to Washington and start a meth lab in his office suite. Press 2 if you think Dean Young’s meth business would reflect poorly upon the citizens of this district.”
AV: “Meth is bad, that’s for sure!” Presses 2 and hangs up.
RC: “Are you aware Bradley Byrne has said he doesn’t believe every single word of the Bible is 100 percent fact? Don’t you think the Bible is 100 percent factual, even that stuff about not eating certain kinds of seafood, people living to be 900 years old and Noah jamming two of every kind of animal on Earth onto his ark? Do you want someone in Congress who doesn’t think everyone on Earth came from Adam and Eve? Press 1 if you’re a heathen who believes that. Press 2 if you want to go to Heaven.”
AV: “Sign me up for Heaven!” Presses 2 and hangs up.
AV: “Lay it on me.”
RC: “Hello neighbor, don’t hang up! This is just a short, scientific survey designed to reinforce feelings you might have that Dean Young is mean. He kind of looks mean, right? Maybe he is. Did you know one of Dean’s supporters upset Bradley Byrne by saying his daughter works at an environmental organization? That’s mean isn’t it? Press 1 if you feel sorry for Bradley Byrne. Press 2 if you think Dean Young is mean and kicks puppies.
AV: “He does look mean, but I don’t know about the puppies….” Presses 1 and hangs up.
AV: “Look, it’s almost dinner time and I’ve…”
RC: “Your dinner will keep! This is important, sir or madam! Did you know Bradley Byrne whined like a baby because someone mentioned on a web page where his daughter works? Doesn’t that seem kind of wimpy? Don’t you want a tough guy in Washington, one who could beat up some smartass Yankee liberal? Press 1 if you want Dean Young to throw down in DC. Press 2 if you want Bradley Byrne to whine.
AV: “I really don’t like whining, but violence isn’t the answer… I think.” Hangs up confused.
AV: “(Sigh) Yes?”
RC: “Good morning. Are you aware that Dean Young has taken a bubble bath with super right wing Judge Roy Moore? Doesn’t that seem strange? We don’t have pictures, but it sounds likely doesn’t it? Press 1 if that bothers you. Press 2 if you’d like to see that picture, then seek help.
AV: “Um definitely 1.” Presses 2, but is ashamed.
AV: “Please stop!”
RC: If either Dean Young or Bradley Byrne are elected to Congress, which one do you think is most likely to really freak out and do something embarrassing? Press 1. You know who it is. Just press 1.”
AV: “I guess you’re right.” Presses 1 and hangs up.
AV: “I can’t take much more of this!”
RC: “I just wanted to let you know one thing. Are you aware Bradley Byrne is a Christian? Ask him, he’ll tell you! Christians are nice to other people. Press 1 if you want a super Christian in office. Press 2 if you’re an atheist.
AV: Presses 1 and hangs up.
AV: “That’s it! No more!”
RC: “Just a quick reminder that Dean Young is a real Christian. Ask him, he’ll tell you! Christians are nice to other people. Press 1 if you want a real Christian representing you in Congress. Press 2 and Dean’s coming over to get you!
AV: Presses 1 and unplugs the phone.
This page is available to subscribers. Click here to sign in or get access.
It looks like you are opening this page from the Facebook App. This article needs to be opened in the browser.
iOS: Tap the three dots in the top right, then tap on "Open in Safari".
Android: Tap the Settings icon (it looks like three horizontal lines), then tap App Settings, then toggle the "Open links externally" setting to On (it should turn from gray to blue).