Pisces (2/19-3/20) — In the spirit of the season, you adopt the historic personality of “John Cain” and attempt to resurrect an old Mobile tradition of delivering coal and fresh milk on a horse-drawn carriage to residents of Midtown.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — Trying to keep your cool under the cloud of a “national emergency,” you enroll in meditation classes at your local senior center. In doing so, you build a figurative wall around yourself to block out all the negativity.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — Still uncertain about the accuracy of the Mobile Police Department’s very specific crowd estimates during Mardi Gras parades, you march ahead of each procession, taking a head count in the interest of clean science and data.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — Much to your horror, you’ll get caught in Carnival traffic downtown. Defeated, you’ll catch and eat MoonPies on the hood of your car, a new holiday tradition.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — As much as you appreciate sausage dogs, funnel cakes and chicken-on-a-stick, your obligations to Scale Back Alabama conflict with concession stand menus this year. For each parade, remember to BYOLW: bring your own lettuce wrap.
Leo (7/23-8/22) — Resolving to ditch your car rather than pay $3 to $6 in future tolls to cross the Bayway, you step up your research and development efforts for feasible teleportation.
Virgo (8/23-9/22) — Despite your best efforts, you are unable to visit the Democrat-Reporter’s Facebook page without leaving a rebuke of their racist editorials and a .gif of a funny meme.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — In honor of the project to memorialize Marquis de Lafayette’s tour across the U.S., you pile your family into a Citroën for a road trip retracing his steps. When you reach his starting point at Staten Island, you toast with café au lait and a fresh baguette.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — Going the extra mile to support your candidate, you’ll get a Bernie Sanders 2020 face tattoo. Unfortunately, you’ll be publicly mauled by Democrats who, despite agreeing with almost all of your political leanings, view you as a mortal enemy.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — Realizing that taking an Uber after having a few drinks is making a real impact on DUI arrests, you propose to recoup some of that sweet municipal court revenue by ticketing drivers for distractions caused by TruckNutz.
Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — Anticipating the implications of a lawsuit between the Baldwin County Board of Education and State Superintendent Eric Mackey, you establish a home school program for disenchanted parents who were so disenchanted by Mobile County public schools that they moved to Baldwin County in the first place.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — Sometime between now and Ash Wednesday, you’ll unwittingly be inducted into a ultra-secret society. Your heirs will only find out about it after your death, when there is a lawsuit in probate court over the beneficiary of your reverse mortgage.
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