Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — A new bakery in your neighborhood threatens to reverse all your progress on weight loss goals. In an effort to enjoy both daily eclairs and those smaller-sized pants you just bought, you’ll simply sacrifice fourthmeal.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/22) — In honor of Bob Dylan’s performance at the Saenger Theatre, you’ll start singing wildly out of key and playing far less enjoyable live versions of your favorite studio recordings. For your innovative canned tomato and legume recipe, you’ll win the Rotel Peas Prize.
Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — With the reopening of Riverside Ice, you’ll finally have an opportunity to demonstrate the pirouette you’ve been privately perfecting in a more practical setting. Last week, your co-workers were unanimous: the office is no place for layback spins and butterfly jumps.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — You’ll encourage Fairhopians to compost their own manure in an effort to ease the development strain on the city’s wastewater treatment plant. The flowers downtown will be more vibrant than ever, but their fragrance will be overpowered.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — You’ll finally learn the downside of late-night brownies after getting “sick af” from a homemade batch. While the first two delectable chocolate squares satisfy your sweet tooth, the next five only serve to push you over the edge … of the toilet.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — In response to problems with local voting machines, you’ll start a Three-Percent style militia of individuals who despise infrastructure improvements. Your group proves steadfast in its resolve, “Thine tires of yon cars in Mobilth County shall remain undue aligned henceforth.”
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — After taking in a disappointing football game, your emotional outburst will draw the attention of a cop. Believing you to be a threat, the officer will use a Taser on you almost immediately, though ironically he’ll be on edge because of the same gridiron tragedy.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — Mistaken for an anti-Trump protester after walking too close to a group of youth in Cathedral Square next week, your grandfather will refuse to speak to you. While many cherished moments will be missed, $10 birthday cards and soft peppermints will not.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — Your job as a musician on the Carnival Fantasy will go swimmingly next week, literally. While tuning your saxophone on the lido deck, you’ll slip and slide off the boat and into the water. You’ll be rescued but your instrument will be beyond repair.
Leo (7/23-8/23) — To avoid the political discussions, you’ll decide to have Thanksgiving dinner at the Salvation Army. It will be a great meal until you mention you voted for Gary Johnson. You won’t be able to finish your cornbread before being forced to leave.
Virgo (8/24-9/22) — You’ll witness a rare post-season matchup when the undefeated Alabama Crimson Tide takes on the winless Cleveland Browns in Ladd-Peebles Stadium. Although the Tide will be 30-point underdogs in the matchup, they’ll pull off a victory.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — While helping to film a scene for a big Hollywood blockbuster, you will accidentally blow up GulfQuest. No one will be hurt and the studio’s insurance covers the entire $60 million investment. Mayor Sandy Stimpson will call the incident a “win-win.”