The kids are getting a little older now and have started to show interest in college and where they’ll go and study, etc. As we were talking about that the other night I figured it might be a good time to show them a classic college movie that best represents my memories of getting an education.
By the end of “Animal House,” my son was extremely excited about college. My daughter, however, said she might change plans and become a long-haul trucker. I support her decision. Anyway, I’d forgotten about the neat part at the end of this particular movie where we find out what happens to each character later in life — known as the epilogue.
I’ve always loved movie epilogues. It’s kind of comforting to know your favorite characters turned out OK, or that the bad guys eventually fell into a meat grinder. The problem with real-life dramas, of course, is we have to wait years and years to know exactly how things turned out for our favorite cast of characters and, frankly, by then we seldom care.
The Luv Guv debacle is a great example of this. The scandal is still hot, and I know a lot of people have questions about what’s going to happen to the central characters in America’s most nauseating political scandal. So I’ve taken the liberty of writing epilogues for the players who have captivated us over the past year. If they ever do make “Luv Guv: The Movie,” it’ll most definitely have characters’ epilogues, so let’s consider this my first crack at screenwriting.
•••
Robert Bentley — The disgraced Luv Guv tried going back to his dermatology practice after leaving office but found very few women were willing to take off any article of clothing around him, so he tried his hand at melon farming and made a small fortune selling “Paw Paw’s Pre-Squeezed Melons.” Eventually he met a former Hooters girl on Bumble and they lived happily ever after.
Rebekah Caldwell Mason — The femme fatale of our story saw her fortunes as a political consultant wane post-scandal. It took her a couple of years to burn through the fortune she made during her time with the Luv Guv, but once it was gone things got tough. The folks at ACEGOV wouldn’t return her calls. Rebekah moved to D.C. and stalked the halls of Congress trying to find one more aging politician she could befuddle with her fading beauty queen looks and faux political smarts. But there were no takers and she finally ended up working the lunch shift at a Tuscaloosa strip club.
Dianne Bentley — The governor’s crafty ex-wife took her deductive skills to heart and became a private detective specializing in catching older men cheating on their wives. She also made a handsome pile of money later in life by endorsing a recording device shaped like a knitting needle called “Granny’s Hearing Aid” that helped thousands of older women nab their Viagra-charged husbands.
Wanda’s Desk — The most famous piece of furniture in Alabama suffered miserably in the wake of the scandal. Future gubernatorial secretaries wanted nothing to do with the desk the Luv Guv had ordered moved out of moaning range of his office. Eventually the desk landed in the state’s surplus warehouse where it sat for several years until it was sold for $10 at auction. Its final day was spent as kindling for a pit fire at an Iron Bowl party in Bug Tussle.
Spencer Collier — The former head of the Alabama Law Enforcement Agency spent a good bit of his time following Bentley’s resignation basking in a media glow painting him as some kind of hero for publicly ratting out on his affair once Bentley canned him. When asked why he had followed Bentley’s order to go harass a government employee at home and interrogate her about possibly having a copy of the infamous tape, Collier would say it had something to do with Homeland Security and potential blackmail. That confusing excuse turned out to be good enough for Alabama and nobody ever investigated ALEA’s involvement in the scandal. Collier got to spend his golden years sitting at a bar in Bayou La Batre talking about how he brought down a governor.
Robert Bentley’s Wallet — Ended up with the record for the most solo helicopter flights by a wallet in U.S. history and was retired to the National Air and Space Museum in Washington, D.C.
Celine Dion — Spent years obsessed with the elderly Southern governor she’d met backstage in Las Vegas in 2015. The diva’s obsession grew to the point where she finally went to find him on his melon farm. Bentley’s girlfriend pointed a shotgun at her and said, “This is my meal ticket, Frenchy! Now git!” A dejected Celine would record “My Pacemaker Will Go On” in Bentley’s honor. It was not a hit.
Bentley’s Burner Phone — Was shunned in the burner phone community and spent its final days in a Montgomery pawn shop periodically texting “I love you Rebekah” to random phones across the state.
Luther Strange — Though he took a lot of heat for unethically meeting with Bentley to ask for an appointment to the U.S. Senate, Strange managed to squeak by Roy Moore and win a full six-year term as Alabama’s junior senator, a position he would hold for 24 years. He also immediately became the center for the Senate basketball team. Like any quality Alabama senator, he became known for graft and corruption and ended up with just one fewer building named after him than Richard Shelby. His legislative high point was passing “The Strange Act,” which offered federal protection from prosecution to elected officials when they do something grossly unethical and illegal in order to get a job they really, really, really want.
Jon Mason — Rebekah’s husband went on to run the biggest call girl ring in the Southeast serving men over 70.
Kay Ivey — Became Alabama’s second lady governor after Bentley’s resignation and was elected to two more terms because she reminded the entire state of their favorite grandma.
The Love Bench — The Guv and Rebekah’s favorite spot to sit and fondle one another in public went on to a life of relative obscurity as a place where people would sit and eat lunch. The bench found itself briefly in the news again a few years later when State Sen. Chris Elliott had a couple of beers at a charity event and puked all over it.
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