Cancer (6/22-7/22) — You’ll develop a drone lawnmowing service and be awarded a city contract. Your work will bring about controversy, as the drones built for airborne mowing go rogue and cause accidents. You win the Nappie Award for most attractive fingers.
Leo (7/23-8/23) — You’ll be the first person banned from a Catholic church since Martin Luther when your low tolerance for alcohol leads you to get drunk on communion wine and begin tossing the wafers like Frisbees. You win the Nappie Award for best neck beard.
Virgo (8/24-9/22) — While your kids are away at camp, you donate their toys to the animals at the Gulf Shores Zoo. Like your own children, the animals play with the toys once, then never touch them again. You win the Nappie Award for most naive charitable giver.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — Despite all the shootings, stabbings, robberies and general tomfoolery in the area, you still tell your Baldwin friends downtown Mobile is totally safe for their family and kids. They still won’t believe you. You win the Nappie Award for most optimistic Mobilian.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — After traveling the globe for youth baseball games all summer, you’ll be relieved when the team finally loses. However, an invitation to the Milky Way tournament on the moon winds up in your mailbox. You win the Nappie Award for most dedicated fence dad.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/22) — News of a settlement in a lawsuit against your favorite meditation studio brings you inner peace. But the tranquility will be interrupted when your yoga instructor files for worker’s comp. You win the Nappie Award for most flowery-scented farts.
Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — Hearing of its recent grand re-opening, you’ll finally venture to the Melting Pot and give fondue a whirl. Unfortunately there will be a small explosion. No one gets hurt but de Brie will be everywhere. You win the Nappie Award for most bitter pickling.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — You concoct a new soap to rid yourself of the lingering atmosphere of Hayley’s. You won’t discover its carcinogens until you move to California, where this product is known to cause cancer. You win the Nappie Award for least-heightened sense of awareness.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — You’ll be in trouble after the entertainment at a workplace party is a burlesque show. While most everyone will enjoy the new experience, your significant other will most certainly not. You win the Nappie Award for worst result of an unread office email.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — You’ll be spending the next few weeks hiding after the sounds of your older-model car backfiring in downtown are mistaken for gunshots. The public fear will leave Lower Dauphin a ghost town. You win the Nappie Award for most ironic anti-gentrification technique.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — In a sad turn of events, you’ll catch a midsummer cold the week of a gig you’ve been waiting months to play with your band and run a 102-degree fever during all three sets. You win the Nappie Award for most tissues used during a bass solo.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — You get kicked out of a BayBears game after your pet alligator bites a fan at Hank Aaron Stadium, and you’ll curse the team. Until the curse is lifted every Mobile home game will be rained out. You win the Nappie Award for smelliest feet.