Libra (9/23-10/22) — You resolve to find a new hobby after your main source of entertainment becomes the Brett Kavanaugh confirmation hearing. You celebrate the arrival of fall by planting some chrysanthemums.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — With Ladd-Peebles Stadium receiving nearly $1 million from the city budget next year, you wonder whether they will open a second register at the concession stands. You celebrate the arrival of fall by wearing some tall boots.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/22) — Now than Bama Bayou is being redeveloped, you’ll have to find a new destination for viewing crumbling buildings and fetid water. You celebrate the arrival of fall by purchasing a cinnamon-scented decorative broom.
Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — Your life will come full circle when you attend a Rob Schneider stand-up show and yell “you can do it!” You celebrate the arrival of fall by getting lost in a corn maze.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — You’ll be thrown out of the Gulf Coast Exploreum’s Animation Academy for creating a Ralph Bakshi-inspired X-rated cartoon featuring local nutria. You celebrate the arrival of fall by jumping in a big pile of leaves.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — Reading about the state’s illogical school progress indicators, you’ll attempt to educate the leaders of tomorrow by handing them a Richard Dawkins book and teaching them agriculture. You celebrate the arrival of fall by strategically placing ornamental gourds around your house.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — Eager to improve both your football and mixed martial arts skills, you try out for Fred Riley’s team in the American South Football Alliance. You celebrate the arrival of fall by putting Christmas presents on layaway.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — In protests of the Fairhope City Council’s injunction against a referendum for a new form of government, you’ll hang your American flag upside down. You celebrate the arrival of fall by wearing a turtleneck in the privacy of your own home.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — Having some basic competency in personal finance and a history of once renting an apartment, you’re qualified to be the next executive director of the Mobile Housing Board. You celebrate the arrival of fall by wishing it were winter.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — You’ll admit your plan to feed kids for free at O’Charley’s was just a cover to indulge in your favorite appetizer, overloaded potato skins. You celebrate the arrival of fall by planning 31 days of Halloween pranks.
Leo (7/23-8/23) — Soliciting your plan to redevelop the Mobile Civic Center, you offer to build a 1:20 scale model of the city, which will be the safest, most family- and business-friendly scale model of a city by 2020. You celebrate the arrival of fall by rolling your car windows down.
Virgo (8/24-9/22) — In support of the #metoo movement, you’ll shamelessly enjoy a Jell-O pudding pop in celebration of Bill Cosby’s prison sentence. You celebrate the arrival of fall by beginning to thaw out your Thanksgiving turkey.
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