Pisces (2/19-3/20) — You’ll become a target of the internet’s ire after being videotaped yelling at a high school student protesting in support of the Green New Deal. There will be several concerns about the video, but the phrase “you youngins don’t know nothing” will stand out nationally.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — Swept away by the spirit of Joe Cain Day, you’ll appropriate more culture than Elizabeth Warren. But you’ll regret wearing that headdress when the Poarch Band of Creek Indians buys your government with gambling revenue in a scheme to defend its sovereign status.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — After visiting the new Container Fort at the Spanish Fort Town Center, you decide to craft all your future houses, vehicles and clothing from former cargo containers. You’ll develop the world’s first-known case of RCS: rusty crotch syndrome.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — When the leather chair in your upcoming job interview appears to make a flatulent sound, you’ll spend an awkward five minutes trying recreate the phenomenon. Your future boss (the actual source of the noise) will be impressed by your determination.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — It could be worse, I suppose, but in the grand scheme of things you thought your life at this point would amount to much more than looking for your vape pen 18 hours per day.
Leo (7/23-8/22) — In the 21st century version of the Order of Myths’ Folly chasing Death around the broken column of life, you ride on a float symbolizing you chasing student loan payments around an hourglass with only one grain of sand in it.
Virgo (8/23-9/22) — With the skills you’ve developed over the years catching throws and dodging stray bullets at Mobile Mardi Gras parades, you’ll open the Alabama School for Chubby Ninjas. There, nunchucks are made from Conecuh sausage and swords are just long loaves of French bread.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — Reading how the governor’s $1.8 million beach residence is essentially empty 364 days per year, you urge the Legislature to pass a bill giving each Alabamian a free annual 9.3-minute vacation there on Kay Ivey’s dime.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — Congratulating Bradley Byrne on his Senate campaign, you immediately send him a Trump-themed gift basket filled with Big Macs, a hairpiece, a copy of the Constitution with a few pages missing, and all the p*ssy you could ever grab without consent.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — Beginning to suspect special school tax districts on the Eastern Shore may not survive voter referendums, you add another item on the ballot to build a wall around Baldwin County. Both will pass with 95 percent of the vote.
Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — After being struck with a particularly large bag of rice by a parading float rider, you’ll return fire with one of your shoes. While you strike the perpetrator, it won’t justify having to walk barefoot through “Mardi Gras mystery puddles” on the way home.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — Enraged by Gov. Kay Ivey’s plan to raise taxes on gasoline, you’ll start regularly buying fuel in neighboring states — all of which have higher tax rates than Alabama and use that money to finance projects that don’t impact you at all.
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