Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — Inspired by the Rhinestone Roper’s performance at the Greater Gulf State Fair, you’ll bedazzle an entire jean jacket and join a traveling rodeo. Life tip: Refuse to leave your bar stool at Taco Mama until you’re united in marriage with their fresh guacamole.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — In spite of the plethora of culinary options at the Greater Gulf State Fair, you’ll gladly settle for one or two foot-long corn dogs. Go on a strict lamb and olive diet and wear a light suit of armor to prepare for next year’s Spartan Race.
Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — You’ll enter the fourth dimension during the MoonPie Eating Championship at the Greater Gulf State Fair. Thinking about the state’s virtual high school program, you finally enroll in that home economics class you missed out on years ago.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — A better way to spend $2 is to donate it to breast cancer research. Coincidentally, the odds of winning a $1.6 billion Mega Millions drawing are about the same as winning a balloon-popping dart game at the Greater Gulf State Fair.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — You’ll get lost in the hall of mirrors but ironically be transparent with yourself. At a West Mobile bar long after the Greater Gulf State Fair ends, you’ll realize
Aries (3/21- 4/19) — About three bottles in, you’ll discover at a coworker’s brunch party that Cheerwine contains no alcohol. Country music star Josh Turner wrote a sad song about it and may perform it at the Greater Gulf State Fair.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — Discussing recent celebrity sightings, you predict Liam Hemsworth will become the Stephen Baldwin of the Hemsworth brothers. You suspect the stuffed animals awarded as prizes at the Greater Gulf State Fair are recycled Mardi Gras throws from months earlier.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — Amid rising tension over the quirky confection, you’ll witness the world’s first death attributed to candy corn rage. One everyone can agree on is cotton candy at the Greater Gulf State Fair.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — After binge watching “The Haunting of Hill House,” you begin to understand it is in fact a ghost who is responsible for forgetting to flush the toilet. A joke you make about sword swallowers at the Greater Gulf State Fair wades dangerously deep into #metoo territory.
Leo (7/23-8/22) — You’ve had intermittent success with Tinder, but it’s not only farmers at the Greater Gulf State Fair’s 4-H cattle show. Your ability to score competitors on indicators such as body capacity, frame and udders will suit you well throughout life.
Virgo (8/23-9/22) — With the stock market not gaining much ground year to date, you conceive a new retirement plan funded by nutria harvesting. You’ll be enchanted by the view from the ferris wheel at the Greater Gulf State Fair.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — You’ll get déjà vu at the Elberta Sausage Fest when you catch your first whiff of sauerkraut. You’ll get vujà dé at the Greater Gulf State Fair when Coolio performs “Fantastic Voyage.”
Man, you really are deep.
I was real proud of that one. For a second.