Leo (7/23-8/23) — You’ll break even if you drive over to Biloxi and place a sports bet that The University of Alabama has less-educated football fans than Auburn University. Your lucky Mobile Tiki Week cocktail is a Titania at The Merry Widow.

Virgo (8/24-9/22) — Understanding that a $10 “stormwater fee” is just another name for a “tax,” you’ll campaign against it, knowing the city of Mobile will quite literally be flushing money down the drain. Your lucky Mobile Tiki Week cocktail is a Sandy Cheeks at The Haberdasher.

Libra (9/23-10/22) — Taking the city of Daphne’s zealous right-of-way ordinance to the next level, you begin removing “Buckle Up” signs from inside cars and contraceptives from gas station restrooms. Your lucky Mobile Tiki Week cocktail is a Haint’s Reckoning at Southern National.

Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — Known for your frugality, you’ll pose as a middle school student this month so you can get a free haircut from Remington College. Your lucky Mobile Tiki Week cocktail is a Liliko’i Cooler at the OK Bicycle Shop.

Sagittarius (11/22-12/22) — You’ll be banned from the Garden sketch club after the consensus is that your representation of an orchid is actually a horse’s vagina. Your lucky Mobile Tiki Week cocktail is a La Brera Daiquiri at The Merry Widow.

Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — You draft a letter of intent to move to the Eastern Shore where, even though you face long commutes and a Real Housewives culture, at least you won’t be paying the University of South Alabama to play games. Your lucky Mobile Tiki Week cocktail is an Our Man in Havana at The Haberdasher.

Aquarius (1/20-2/18) —  Hearing that Bob Dylan is returning to Mobile in October, you begin planning a protest against any song he may perform that isn’t on his 1985 album “Empire Burlesque.” Your lucky Mobile Tiki Week cocktail is a Jaguar Dreams at Southern National.

Pisces (2/19-3/20) — Reading about Sen. Richard Shelby’s landmark 10,000th vote in the U.S. Senate, you wonder how long the GOP will be able to maintain the “Weekend at Bernie’s” ruse. Your lucky Mobile Tiki Week cocktail is a Monkey’s Fist at the OK Bicycle Shop.

Aries (3/21-4/19) — Inspired by the Saenger Theatre’s screening of “Mary Poppins,” you grab your Greene & Phillips umbrella and glide off the top of the RSA Tower. Your lucky Mobile Tiki Week cocktail is an Un Poco Loco at The Merry Widow.

Taurus (4/20-5/20) — Now that the kids are back in school, happy hour begins for you at 10 a.m. Your lucky Mobile Tiki Week cocktail is a Gee Swizz at The Haberdasher.

Gemini (5/21-6/21) — You’ll attend Davidson High School’s home football opener Aug. 24 and witness them literally “beat” Meridian High School 24-7. Your lucky Mobile Tiki Week cocktail is a Grimalkin’s Rapture at Southern National.

Cancer (6/22-7/22) — On the next episode of “Tattoo Chat with Chassity,” you get to see how the justice system works when frivolous lawsuits are dismissed. Your lucky Mobile Tiki Week cocktail is a Crave Wave at the OK Bicycle Shop.