Taurus (4/20-5/20) — When you injure your hand during a DIY project, you’ll make a valiant effort to type with your feet. Sadly, your response time will have a significant impact on your troll game. Your lucky 4/20 head shop purchase is a “totally legal tobacco pipe.”
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — After a third major interstate is damaged in the Atlanta area, you’ll begin frantically making calls to Mayor Kasim Reed to warn about the growing threat from “Graboids.” Your lucky 4/20 head shop purchase is a pair of hemp jeans.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — You’ll binge on sugar after Lent, packing your palate with everything from chocolate to colas. The sweet feast will upset your stomach and you’ll swear it all off again. Your lucky 4/20 head shop purchase is a package of “medicated” gummy bears.
Leo (7/23-8/23) — Your significant other, being warm natured, will blast the AC at bedtime while simultaneously hogging the warm covers. Your only solution, of course, will be to end it all. Your lucky 4/20 head shop purchase is a hemp blanket.
Virgo (8/24-9/22) — Like “Ants Marching,” you’ll make your way to a local watering hole in a couple of days to see a band perform a song featuring shouting at a pet bird. Your lucky 4/20 head shop purchase is a Dave Matthews Band greatest hits album.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — After being kept awake by a neighbor’s dog, you’ll find a way to make Rover disappear. Your neighbor will suspect you’re responsible and send the cops to your door. Your lucky 4/20 head shop purchase is a printed sun dress.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — You’ll celebrate Earth Day by preparing for your nine-month emigration to Mars. In addition to stocking up on the heartiest potato seeds, you’ll load your iPod with spacey favorites from David Bowie, Elton John and Bruno … Mars. Your lucky 4/20 head shop purchase is tie-dyed tampons.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/22) — In an effort to save Alabama’s film industry, you’ll propose a plan to make it the “soft-core capital of the world.” Investment will flood in on the heels of such titles as “Heavy Petting Cemetery,” “Groping Private Ryan” and “Girls Gone Mild.” Your lucky 4/20 head shop purchase is the 20th anniversary “Friday” DVD.
Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — In a case of cruel coincidence, you learn Taco Bell is serving 89 cent tacos on April 20. A mad case of the munchies will have you emptying your wallet and, yes, this time you will have the Cinnamon Twists. Your lucky 4/20 head shop purchase is a baja jacket.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — Encouraged by the warmer weather, you’ll take your first plunge of 2017 into the Gulf of Mexico. Afterward, in an effort to treat your hypothermia, you’ll sit in a hot car with the windows rolled up. Your lucky 4/20 head shop purchase is patchouli-scented wet wipes.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — As tensions with North Korea escalate, you’ll dust off a book called “How to Survive a Nuclear Bomb” you put away in the late ‘70s. Even worse, you’ll dust off a pair of disco pants from the same era. Your lucky 4/20 head shop purchase is a basket of elderberries.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — You’ll turn down a lucrative job offer in the PR office at United Airlines after the company’s third tumultuous news week. Instead, you’ll take a less-stressful gig as an active combat soldier. Your lucky 4/20 head shop purchase is a rubber chicken stashbox.
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