If 2017 were a movie, the nonsubjective fact of the matter is that it would be “Idiocracy.” Remember at the end of 2016, when everyone kept saying how glad they were that year was over because it was so dreadful and we were ready to move on — and how did we think that would work exactly? True, the celebrities that died couldn’t die again, but in 2017 we’ve just been cashing those checks we wrote the year before. Looking ahead, what futuristic cinematic dystopia will be our reality in 2018?
Considering the reckless disregard for the environment that has been officially embraced, we could open our front doors and fall out into “Waterworld” (1995) at any minute in 2018, especially us coastal folks. We might want to revisit this famous flop, the most expensive film ever made when it came out, as a how-to guide for surviving this year. I believe it involved Jet Skis, bungee jumping and a digitally enhanced comb-over for Kevin Costner, all of which we will need this year.
Ever since I shaved my head and started wearing black eye makeup over the top half of my face, I’ve been living “Mad Max: Fury Road” on my short commute every day. Until they build that new bridge over Mobile Bay, the Bayway will edge ever closer to 2015’s superb vehicle-based action masterpiece. Soon, all the action of our lives will take place racing each other in cars, maybe even as cool as the ones in this film.
Will 2018 be the year we see one of our many local singer-songwriters riding a truck on a massive stack of amps, playing a guitar that shoots flames? I can see Grayson Capps as the Doof Warrior, and I think he can pull off that jumpsuit look.
A general disdain for health care and women’s reproductive health could easily land us in “Children of Men” territory, which is not a pleasant reality to consider, but it’s an absolutely terrific movie. It really nails that recognizable but altered near-future zone, and Clive Owen is wonderful. His brief screen time with Julianne Moore is one of the most memorably heartbreaking scenes I can recall, and the whole film is a nail-bitingly realistic and compelling science fiction drama.
The total shakeup of our sexual mores could land us in the realm of the utterly bleak 2015 film “The Lobster,” in which single people have 45 days to find a mate or be turned into the animal of their choosing. This is truly one of the most extraordinary films you could ever hope, or fear, to experience, and it is the saddest, most frightening mood killer perhaps ever. It is so original in its sadistic imaginings, let’s hope 2018 doesn’t turn into “The Lobster,” even if we deserve it.
We should hope for a “WALL-E” future in 2018. Sure, in this 2008 PIXAR film our current planet is uninhabitable due to pollution, but the sturdy solar-powered robot WALL-E makes the best of things. He hunkers down with his favorite movie, “The Music Man,” his best friend — a cockroach — and some nice mood lighting, and soldiers on with the job he has to do anyway. That’s already a pretty good act to follow for anyone, but this film gets better.
WALL-E is one of many robots made to clean up the planet, but, hundreds of years after humans have left in a giant spaceship, he is the only one left. He builds block after block of garbage every day, while humans have been riding around ensconced in digital entertainment for so long that they no longer have the use of their legs. They are overweight blobs riding around in a space mall.
When WALL-E and a probe robot, Eva, find a single source of vegetation able to grow on Earth, these winsome machines help humans rise from their widened rear ends and reclaim their humanity, their hope and the future. As the credits open on 2018, let’s hope we can do the same.
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