Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21) – With the best of intentions, you’ll go out to celebrate the birthday of a friend that’s considerably younger than you. What you thought would be shared drinks among friends quickly turns into one of those “Turn Down for What” screaming, cardboard-checklist-sign-wearing evenings. After watching your drunk friend ask five of 10 guys how old they think she is, you’ll finally decide you’ve had enough and rip her birthday sign in half, throw her crown away and loudly remind her that no one really cares about anyone’s birthday after they turn 12.  

Sagittarius (11/21 – 12/22) – Only a few days after using your vote to help to usher in a Republican majority in both bodies of Congress, you’ll start sowing your reward in from unprecedented freedom. Not only will you no longer have to worry about an impending Obamacare mandate, you’ll also no longer have to wait up at night with several guns drawn to defend against a possible Democrat-sponsored assault on your remaining guns. With the time you save “not being tread on,” you’ll have more time to fearfully share parody news stories than ever.

Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19) – You’ll finally go sailing with your new beau this weekend. A few miles off coast, you’ll enjoy a nice caprese salad with an immaculately paired white wine at sunset. Suddenly, your vessel will be attacked by an odd allegiance of orcas and small crabs. Launching off the backs of orcas in midair, the crabs will quickly take over the deck of the boat, forcing you into the remorseless waters below. Fortunately, you’ll be saved at the last minute by Aquaman — his first rescue since taking the curator position at the Gulfquest Maritime Museum.

Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18) –  The time you’ll spend in the feminine supplies section at Walgreens this week will bring strange results this coming weekend. Frankly you’ll be a bit overwhelmed by the number of lubricant options and end up with something “warming” that will ultimately freak you out when the time comes. Continuing to wear your “Hot/Crazy Matrix Guy” Halloween costume for an extra week turns out to be a bad idea when both hot and crazy converge to beat you senseless. Your lucky number is 3.14. Mmmmmm, pie.

Pisces (2/19 – 3/20) – Amazed by the amount of traction the Mama June/Convicted Child Sex Offender union continues to get on celebrity gossip websites, you decide to pitch a new reality show to TLC to fill in the obese void left by the cancellation of “Here Comes Honey BooBoo.” Starring convicted sex offenders and hosted by Jeff Probst, it’s half “Cops” and half “The Most Dangerous Game,” but it’s generally just a live, first person shooter. Ratings will soar through the roof and coincidentally, reports of sexual assaults will decrease tenfold nationwide.  

Aries (3/21 – 4/19) – Realizing how ridiculously good your life is with all your limbs intact and a lifetime of comparatively good health, you are inspired to do a little more this holiday season for people with physical or developmental disabilities. Maybe you never gave it much thought before. Or maybe you were a bully once and picked on someone who was vulnerable. Or maybe you’re the type that is always kind and puts the needs of others before your own. It doesn’t matter – if use your mobility to do something for someone who is not as fortunate, the rewards cannot be quantified.

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20) – You will be called into your boss’ office a week from Tuesday, and you know why. You will immediately regret all those bad decisions you made in the office, as memories of those decisions slowly splash the walls of your mind. Maybe the campfire you built in your cubicle wasn’t a good idea. Maybe the hours you spent photocopying your own buttcheeks finally got the notice of upper management. That’s also not good. No matter what issue finally made the boss man bubble with rage doesn’t matter, you will be fired a week from Tuesday.

Gemini (5/21 – 6/21) – Enraged by the misogynistic Facebook comments by a parishioner of your local church, you will give up going to mass and risk the fiery perils of hell. After several weeks away from church, you’ll find you’re well suited for the waters of salvation you’ll find with a Sunday morning pub trip. A few too many sips of your new “holy” water will lead you to walk in front of a WAVE bus. You won’t be killed, but you’ll decide to hobble to church with a broken leg the next week.   

Cancer (6/21 – 7/22) – Your decision to start your own hot dog cart goes well at first. You will rake in the dough, as a permanent fixture in LoDa. Every night you’ll be there funneling frankfurters into the mouths of the drunken masses and making quite the profit. Your success will bring on undue attention from the local hot dog mafia, the “Sour Krauts,” who will be more than a little upset that your cart is doing so well. You’ll soon find a severed pickle laying on your cart. It’s not a good sign.

Leo (7/23 – 8/23) – A week from Thursday, you’ll make the mistake of partaking in a tuna fish “lunch-to-go.” With only 230 calories in a ready-to-eat meal, how you could you go wrong? On the contrary, you’ll quickly learn there are many ways Chicken of the Sea might go sour when you notice a dent in the can. Assuming the dent was caused by a bumpy ride to work and not by festering bacteria, you’ll enjoy the tuna anyway. Within an hour, you’ll suffer a severe loss of muscle control and diagnose yourself with Botulism or Ebola. Better yet, you’ll have both and soon become the most famous face on local television news.

Virgo (8/24 – 9/22) – Your addiction to coke will get you into some trouble this weekend – OK, so not that kind of coke. But your love for the savory cola will result in an antacid overdose and a pretty eventful trip to a local hospital. After consuming gallons of the carbonated beverage, your esophagus will burn so badly and cause you excruciating chest pain, leading you to believe it’s a massive heart attack. You’ll scarf down an entire bottle of Tums, resulting in two stomach pumpings and a year in Coke Addicts Anonymous. Thinking you’re actually addicted to the hard stuff, your family will disown you.

Libra (9/23 – 10/22) – After watching an unsettling video of a female rapper dressed as an Indian while freestyling about her faux Native American heritage, you’ll become outraged. Feeling obligated to inform the higher ups, you’ll put in a call to a very prominent, local Indian tribe to voice your concerns. Thankful that you pointed out such a disrespectful action, the tribe promises to cut you a large portion of the check after they sue the troublemaker. Unfortunately, things won’t work, but the tribe will offer you a Bingo slot machine.