Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — You’ll stay in on Friday the 13th to avoid being slaughtered by a hockey mask-wearing serial killer with a machete. You’ll watch the “Scream” series of movies instead, which are so poorly acted you’ll just wish you were dead.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — Despite your good intentions, teaching the residents of a nursing home how to “Juju on that beat” is not the volunteer action the organizers of the MLK Day of Service had in mind. But damn if those grannies can’t get down.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — You’ll eat one too many during next week’s “Taco Tuesday” event, and spend the next day in the restroom at work. Even though its name is just as catchy, “Why me, God? Wednesdays” will not be as ubiquitous as its Latin-American counterpart.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — After being whistled at by several local doctors, you’ll accept a lucrative offer to become a pharmaceutical sales representative. While you’ll make close to $1 million a year, you’ll eventually grow tired of stethoscope sex puns.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — The local Wal-Mart won’t allow you to set foot inside their establishment after discovering you and a friend are organizing a strip poker tournament in the board games aisle. The incident could have probably gone over better had so many of the store’s regulars not decided to join the fun.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — You’ll take your significant other to the Mobile Big Band Society’s dinner dance at Battleship Park for Valentine’s Day. The whiskey sours will go to your head and you’ll do your best Glenn Miller impression on stage, to sustained boos.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — After days of ice turn to beach weather within the same week, you’ll be the first to realize the planet we live on is no longer Earth. In fact, we’ve all been moved to Mars and had our memories wiped. That explains Mobile’s climate.
Leo (7/23-8/23) — During a chance meeting with Auburn’s head football coach at Serda’s downtown, you’ll accidentally spill your drink on the visor-wearing, offensive “mastermind.” When he begins to stutter and shut down, you’ll discover he’s a “Westworld”-style robot built to lose big games.
Virgo (8/24-9/22) — During a weekend getaway to New Orleans following the start of Carnival season, you’ll get drunk on hand grenades and fight anyone who doesn’t agree Mardi Gras started in Mobile. You’ll break down after everyone either agrees with you or is a Swedish tourist.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — You’ll be arrested after you are unsuccessful in your protest of the cutting down of a live tree from Public Safety Memorial Park. You’ll attempt to steal one of the many fake trees in Government Plaza in retaliation. Your “I’m just getting the city back” defense won’t work.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — In order to show someone how serious you are about something, you’ll make the “Jeff Sessions’ Senate confirmation face” all day. Based on your body language alone, people will deduce you are both incredibly austere and probably boring as hell.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/22) — You’ll inject some excitement into Friday’s Artwalk by making it Artrun. You’ll hurdle over painters and pole vault over musicians on your way to the imaginary finish line in your mind, where you’ll win an aluminum medal for participation.