Cancer (6/22-7/22) — You’ll book a last-minute trip to Tokyo after the International Olympic Committee names Mario Kart the newest of its “sports.” You’ll qualify to compete as Bowser but will be eliminated in the first round by a well-placed banana peel from a pesky Swede.
Leo (7/23-8/22) — In a display of anger over the constant rain, you’ll turn on every faucet in the house, repeatedly flush your toilets and run the washing machine and dishwasher empty in order to prove there’s no way you can “waste” enough water in Mobile, Alabama, to ever cause a shortage. MAWSS likes your style.
Virgo (8/23-9/22) — A close family member will disappear this coming week, leading to panic. His last known location was Buc-ee’s in Robertsdale, so you fight through traffic and intense parking congestion to see what you can find out. After a few hours of intrepid sleuthing, you’ll find him sleeping in a spotless toilet stall surrounded by bags of half-eaten Beaver Nuggets and 16 types of jerky.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — A landmark birthday approaches, not-so-young Libra, and with that your anxiety rises over what you fear is surreptitious planning for a mega-surprise party. You can only imagine how over-the-top things will get with two months to plan. Your imagination runs wild with images of friends traveling from across the country to leap out and scream “Surprise!” at you. Save some of that disdain for when you find out the biggest surprise will be that everyone forgets your birthday.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — Your yard will soon be littered with figs when the tree in your backyard goes into overdrive due to the excessive rain. You’ll have buckets of the strange fruit to try to give away. You’ve also been rewatching “Breaking Bad” and will start to feel like the Heisenberg of figs, pushing your superior fruit into the local market, just without liquifying anyone in acid or stuff like that.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — The start of the Olympics will fire you up to revive your interest in pole vaulting. Since you have never actually pole vaulted, you’ll start small. A mattress in the front yard and a broomstick to vault over will work. Unfortunately, all you can find is an old box spring on the side of the road, and you’ll crack seven ribs.
Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — The housing market has you crazy to sell. Tales of “bidding wars” and people paying hundreds of thousands for tool sheds in Midtown have you ready to move on up like George Jefferson. It’s a good plan, but the market is still a bit soft for houses completely covered in shag carpet. Just don’t get your hopes up too much.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — Prepare yourself. A flat tire is in your future. The problem is that you haven’t changed a tire in like 30 years, relying on roadside assistance while you sit in the AC cranking Celine Dion. No such luck this time, as the moron they send out can’t even find the jack in your car, and you also have no idea where it is. Eventually, you decide it’s worth destroying your rim to drive the four miles to Firestone.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — An old photo will create panic in your life when you realize the shirt you were wearing 18 years ago is still in rotation. You’ll start to wonder how many photos people have of you wearing this same shirt and if your friends are secretly calling you “Charlie Brown” behind your back. They are. Get some new clothes.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — An old flame re-enters your life via text message and an invitation to meet at a local bar. When you get there, you’re a bit shocked to find your former love is transgendered, but you’re not judgemental and go with the flow. When you lose it is after you find out this was all just an attempt to sell you a set of Cutco knives.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — When you ask your significant other what they want to eat for dinner two weeks from Tuesday they’ll tell you they want “a little bubble and squeak.” You’ll be down to only your underwear and socks when they inform you that it’s an English side dish made of potato and cabbage and not carnal relations.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — You’ll discover your phone was hacked when a friend emails you a clip of a conversation the two of you had from the dark web. You’ll be concerned about possible leaks until you remember your phone conversations only consist of chatting with your parents about which of their friends is dead and arguments with your cable company’s customer service about the price of the bill.
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