Libra (7/23 – 8/23) – A surprise Ice Bucket Challenge will leave you feeling electrified. A “friend” with seemingly good intentions will shock you both physically and mentally when they dump a bucket of freezing ice water over your head. However, they’ll fail to notice your laptop, headphones and other electronic equipment. You’ll experience a jolt of electricity surge through your body like never before. You’ll feel like Electro from Spiderman and become a spokesperson for the Anti-Ice Bucket Challenge Movement.
Virgo (8/24 – 9/22) – You’ll be pretty excited to learn the Dauphin Street Beer Festival will only be serving craft beer on Saturday. The beer snob inside of you is just tickled pink. After spending an absurd amount of time studying the beer list and picking out the most pretentious outfit to wear downtown, you’ll be ready to outshine your less-cool friends who only drink PBR on the regular. In a surprise turn of events, you’ll lose your festival ticket and ultimately be forced to live out your worst nightmare by drinking Bud Light Platinum at a bar packed with girls in Nike shorts and guys in polo shirts.
Libra (9/23 – 10/22) – Your beloved coffee will become a foe instead of a friend this week when your morning caffeine fix goes terribly wrong. During your morning commute, an unexpected bump in the road will cause your coffee to splash all over your face, significantly injuring your lip. But instead of a burn, it looks more like one of those unfavorable, looked-down-upon diseases. The blister will heal without complications, but you’ll spend the next week trying to explain the suspicious-looking bump on your lip.
Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21) – Your 2014 Dauphin Street Beer Festival experience comes to an end after one of Mobile›s finest spots you stealing someone›s pretzel necklace near the First Precinct. The selfish act lands you in the back of a cruiser, but luckily you’re able to sneak your commemorative mug and its contents into your jeans before the apprehension. The good news is you’ll get to keep a souvenir to accompany the story, the bad news is you’ll forever be know by the staff at Metro Jail as “the peed-pants bandit.”
Sagittarius (11/21 – 12/22) – Fate will tragically remind you not to go drinking with your coworkers this week. After a few rounds downtown, you’ll start complaining about your boss, which transitions naturally into discussing how little you actually work. A few strange looks will force you to change the subject and get another drink. The rest of the conversation not even psychics can predict because even in the future, it’s slurred and illegible. You’ll end the night crying in the back of a cab while texting everyone to make sure they “still think you’re cool.”
Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19) – By Thursday, your third-degree sunburns from the Flora-Bama Jama should have started to heal. Showers are still unpleasant, but you’ll finally be able to wear shirts, the lack of which is a problem for a CPA, despite Kenny’s suggestive lyrics. When you do return to reality, the truth of your situation will hit you harder than it did Renee Zellweger after the honeymoon. Smiling, you’ll box up the items on your desk and make a move to pursue your dream of being a Carnival Barker.
Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18) – The recent addition of words like “amazeballs” and “sideboob” to the Oxford English Dictionary will have you ready to give up communicating all together. You will pledge to coworkers that all of your future correspondence will be made with binary code. They won’t believe you until your emails arrive with the subject “110 00100110 000111” and the body, “01010101 01010101 00001 10001 10001010101 10101 10101 10101010 1010101011101 10101.”
Pisces (2/19 – 3/20) – While heading to work one morning in the future, you will be struck by the number of wigs you see on an almost daily basis lying on St. Stephen’s Road. Your mind will wonder to all those poor, balding women who must have succumbed to the Gulf Coast’s windy days. You will then immediately begin to fantasize about opening a wig reclamation and refurbishing company. It might make HUNDREDS of dollars! You will then risk your life to pick up the musky piece of gas-soaked, synthetic hair. You must follow your dreams.
Aries (3/21 – 4/19) – You will enter the season more confident than ever that your fantasy football team will dominate, after witnessing a friend take the Miami Dolphins defense with his second-round pick in the draft next weekend. You will forever question his ability to do the easiest tasks, like tying his shoes, after witnessing the dumb move. He will later take a kicker in the third round, cementing your easy victory before the season starts. You will still lose. Kickers suck.
Taurus (4/20 – 5/20) – The racial tension in Ferguson, Mo. seems to have the whole country walking on eggshells. Feeling conciliatory and in the mood to make a viral video, you dress up as a sideshow clown and go join the protests, with the singular goal of getting as much camera time as possible. You’re rainbow wig and red, honking foam nose take the Internet by storm, but just as the thought of professional clowning as a career begins to take hold, you take it a step too far and tear gas yourself.
Gemini (5/21 – 6/21) – Your quiet deli breakfast is ruined by a white-haired politician who wants to shake hands and talk about Obamacare and the upcoming midterm elections. You try to dismiss him by saying you “aint worried ‘bout it,” but he is insistent. Somewhere in a diatribe about rising premiums and socialism your grits turn cold and things get personal. You interrupt him like Kanye, grabbing the glass of orange juice out of his hand like a microphone and proclaiming, “Omelette you finish, but the New Deal was the greatest social welfare program of all time.”
Cancer (6/21 – 7/22) – Cuts in the mayor’s proposed budget have you examining your own extravagant spending as of late. You recently wussed out of the Ice Bucket Challenge and watched another $100 go down the tubes (or to charity, if you prefer). But that is one of your more reasonable expenses compared to the money you spent on Crossfit and GoPro accessories. But at least you can share a first-person perspective of your 90-pound dead lift. So there’s that.
This page is available to subscribers. Click here to sign in or get access.
It looks like you are opening this page from the Facebook App. This article needs to be opened in the browser.
iOS: Tap the three dots in the top right, then tap on "Open in Safari".
Android: Tap the Settings icon (it looks like three horizontal lines), then tap App Settings, then toggle the "Open links externally" setting to On (it should turn from gray to blue).