Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — You really want to give the most thoughtful, amazing presents this year, but your desire to be the best gift giver leads to anxiety. To deal with your angst about shopping for Christmas gifts you get drunk … really drunk. Nothing is as magical as drunken Christmas shopping, you’ll learn. You’re not sure what caused you to get your mom a cordless drill, but for some reason she’ll love it. Lucky Christmas ornament: Gold-Dipped Packing Peanut ornament.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — You are surely going to be on the naughty list. A mall Santa will not find your holiday joke nearly as funny as you might think. When you pass a very short line to meet Santa, you decide to take a picture to give friends. What you do next is something that even jolly ole Saint Nick won’t forgive. You’ll reconsider your somewhat lewd actions as the mall Santa fights you. Lucky Christmas ornament: Sasquatch Santa ornament.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — A youngster will catch you eating Santa’s milk and cookies. Now how to explain that? You could act like you were sleepwalking, but you’ve already engaged in conversation. The only way out is to claim you, in fact, are Santa in amazing disguise. Will it give the youngster trust issues later on? Probably, but you’ll be old before that happens. Lucky Christmas ornament: Real Moose Poop ornament.
Aries (3/21- 4/19) — The biggest hassle for you during the Christmas season is not putting up the tree or decorating, but bringing out previous, terrible Christmas gifts. You have to find and place all the doilies, weird figurines and hideous “art” you’ve acquired in the past. The problem with that is your once cool house looks like an elderly cat lady lives there, which isn’t good luck when you bring someone home. Lucky Christmas ornament: porcelain Ronald Reagan ornament.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — Over the Christmas holidays the unthinkable will happen. Wherever your family forced you to go you will not have cell reception! That will mean two hours of no texts, calls, emails, tweets, status updates, instagrams, etc. What’s the point of going out to the middle of nowhere if you can’t let everyone know you’re braving it? To make matters worse, your phone’s battery will be drained as it looks for service. Lucky Christmas ornament: Bah Hum Bug Hand Painted Cock Roach ornament.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — You will learn a lesson the hard way. While dining out in Mobile, you’ll make a slightly negative comment about the MoonPie Drop and that’s when Fred Richardson appears from nowhere and explains to you how it is the premiere New Year’s Eve event in the Central Time Zone AND it has an economic impact of $1.78 trillion dollars. You will beg forgiveness, but once you start up Mr. MoonPie, you’re in for a good 30-minute discussion on how the MoonPie Drop is treated unfairly. The weirdest part is how he refers to the MoonPie as “my precious.” Lucky Christmas ornament: Santa Okra ornament.
Cancer (6/22-7-22) — The bruises you routinely get from drunken nights make your family think you’re in an abusive relationship, which is extra weird since you’re not actually in a relationship. Earlier this year, you told your family you were dating a special someone, but in reality you just wanted them to stop asking. Now they’re talking about getting you out of an abusive situation. Breaking up with your imaginary boo is going to be the easiest break-up you’ve ever had. Lucky Christmas ornament: Bacon Scented Bacon Strip ornament.
Leo (7/23-8/22) — Looking for something to do, you’ll go to the movies to find only kids’ films are playing. Begrudgingly you’ll pick one, buy a gallon of popcorn and two liters of coke and settle in. What happens next is something straight out of “How the Grinch Stole Christmas.” You are pretty stoic, but you will actually start crying from the children’s movie. It starts as a little tear and turns into you crying so hard that parents and children will ask you if you’re OK. You’ll tell them, “It’s the first time in a while I’m OK.” Then you go out into the holiday traffic and get road rage. Lucky Christmas ornament: Baby’s Footprint Snowman ornament.
Virgo (8/23-9/22) — Everyone’s favorite activity during Christmas is to turn a candy cane into a shank. To date, you’ve never used the candy cane shank on someone, but this Christmas is different. You will shank yourself with your own weapon. It won’t cause much damage other than embarrassment, but you did ruin a perfectly good candy cane. Lucky Christmas ornament: Jersey Shore character ornament.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — You are an adult. You are the type of adult who still shakes presents to try to figure out what they are. You are also the adult that is going to get caught opening presents early. Since you can’t wait until Christmas morning, you will suffer the consequences of not being able to play with you gifts until the day after Christmas! What a cruel world your parents make you live in. Lucky Christmas ornament: Zombie Christmas ornament.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — From Bruce Willis to John Cusack and Kate Bosworth to Thomas Jane … the movie stars are in Mobile and Fairhope. You’re a little rusty from your heyday of stalking stars when Nicolas Cage was here, but finding the celebs and getting pictures together is like riding a bike. If Mobile and the surrounding area keeps getting films, you’ll be able to fill up your Disney Land autograph book in no time. Lucky Christmas ornament: Gold hand grenade ornament.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — At a Christmas party you will fall head over heels in love. The apple of your eye will be easy to spot … it’s the person doubled over and puking in the bushes outside. Through the retches you’ll see what no one else can see and your love will grow. While the love of your life might be incapacitated at the moment, find a Gatorade or 7-up and be ready to help hydrate your boo. Lucky Christmas ornament: Camo merman ornament.