Gemini (5/21-6/21) — You’ve become increasingly paranoid since the Admiral Semmes statue was taken down, but there’s really no reason to believe protestors will show up at your house to destroy your Civil War chess set. But just to be safe, you may want to put the South pieces in your sock drawer.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — A full day of vomiting from food poisoning will be the perfect kickoff to your summer diet. People will comment on how slim you look and ask your secret. You’ll just smile and throw up on them.
Leo (7/23-8/22) — Your efforts to build a boat from chicken wire and Flex Seal paint will become wildly successful. Pretty soon most of the area’s fishermen will be using your amazing leakproof watercraft and you’ll be dating a supermodel. Thanks, Flex Seal!
Virgo (8/23-9/22) — The number of empty White Claw cans in your garage is indicative of several issues, chiefly cleanliness and alcoholism. Toss those cans when no one is watching and try drinking iced tea for a bit — no, Long Island Iced Tea does not count.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — While a doctor told you an upcoming medical procedure would be painless, don’t believe her. You will cry in front of several strangers, one of whom will videotape it in violation of HIPAA laws. By the next day you’ll be viral, and I’m not talking COVID-19.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — You’ll find car shopping with your child to be a unique bonding experience as you’ll share frustration, disappointment, anger and outrage simultaneously. Tighten that bond by beating up a salesman together.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — Your new bathing suit will be the talk of the country club swimming pool, but mostly because it will disintegrate when you do a cannonball off the springboard. Don’t be too upset when your membership is revoked. They had no choice.
Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — You’ve spent the past week searching feverishly for the Admiral Semmes statue and soon you’ll see it there in your own neighborhood, standing in a living room! Unfortunately when you kick in the door, you’ll discover it’s just a really tall guy with a big mustache.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — You’ll start hearing your dog talk to you again, but as usual he doesn’t have good advice. Now is not the time to start trying to get the dog catcher defunded. And you shouldn’t use Milk-Bones instead of toothpaste.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — Spending your days virtue-signaling at Publix by wearing the biggest mask in the store will pay off. You’ll fall in love in the cereal aisle when you and a stranger bond while glaring at a non-mask wearer and simultaneously reaching for the Cinnamon Toast Crunch.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — A high school reunion is coming up. Admit to yourself the only reason you want to go is to see if everyone else is fatter than you. They’re not. Spend the evening at home eating pizza and avoid the pain.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — Your obsession with the trials and tribulations of Ellen Degeneres is ruining your relationships with people who actually know you. Your friends don’t care if she’s really nice or if she didn’t mean to irritate people with her protest statements. Plus the Ellen haircut looks terrible on you.
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