Gemini (5/21-6/21) — You’ll be embarrassed when your recent arrest is highlighted by a shady “mugshot journalism” outlet. Always brave, the sinless locals will ridicule your temporary lapse in judgement from the safety of the anonymous profiles created after their previous arrests.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — You’ll feel a sense of ease after you escape quarantine to venture out into the crowd again to dine at coastal restaurants and lounge on the beautiful beach. You won’t find any traces of coronavirus afterward, but hundreds of grains of sand will exist in your car, clothes, floor and hair for eternity.
Leo (7/23-8/22) — Ever the intrepid conspiracy theorist, you’ll attempt to prove once and for all that Joe Scarborough murdered a female employee in 2001. Much like Pizzagate and QAnon, these things matter far more than declining education standards, eroding social safety nets, a great divide in the distribution of wealth or basic human intellectual evolution.
Virgo (8/23-9/22) — Like a bear emerging from hibernation, the return of summer weather affects a seasonal change in your eating and drinking habits. Red meat gives way to more seafood and fresh vegetables, while light beers are substituted for dark. Also, you refer to your poop as “scat.”
Libra (9/23-10/22) — After helping a friend cut down a tree in your backyard, you’ll get a job as a logger. Unfortunately, the application was sparse when it came to job description. You didn’t know until it was too late that your bad hand-eye coordination and crippling fear of heights would be problems.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — When the grocery store you work at runs out of shredded wheat, you’ll be accosted by an unmasked tyrant of a customer demanding you find a box at that very instant. After determining the man was named Larry, you’ll call the office he works in and harass him for no reason. Justice!
Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — You’ll get a new pandemic job, recording the voices of fans being funnelled into stadiums, as spectator sports will never exist again. You won’t realize the grating timbre of your own vocal chords until you tune into the very first Cubs game of the season. Ouch!
Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — You’ll be delighted when your shady “mugshot journalism” outlet receives 20,000 valuable clicks for publishing someone’s embarrassing arrest. There’s no need to mention the subject is innocent until proven guilty — the court of public opinion indicates this decision was a reasonable use of both time and resources.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — Your tweet will go viral after you share a video of a woman known only as “Brunch Brittany” threatening to call the cops on a waitress for serving overcooked Crêpes Suzette. She’ll be the talk of America until someone else films “Fourthmeal Felicia” getting rowdy because she didn’t want sour cream on her Chalupa Supreme.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — With sports finally making somewhat of a comeback from the COVID-19 pandemic, you’ll land a sweet gig recording drunken jeers and various crowd noises for fanless TV broadcasts. However, with no spectators to hide behind, you’ll be kicked out of your first game when a referee clearly hears you ask if calls are the only thing he blows.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — After going through some family photo albums, you’ll file a lawsuit against your mother for the outfits she dressed you in during the early 1990s. A picture of you wearing no belt, whitewashed jeans, a Bugle Boy shirt and unmatching tennis shoes will serve as “Exhibit A.”
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — Devoting yourself to staying healthy in 2020, you’ll drink less, eat better, exercise more and avoid unnecessary travel. This year will really be a wake up call to how unhealthy you were even before the deadly virus came to the American shores. Kudos to you for finally figuring it out.
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