Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — You’ll feel the rush of plunging into the Gulf of Mexico during the New Year’s Day Polar Bear Plunge at the Flora-Bama. Your New Year’s resolution is finding a cure for frostbite on your nether regions.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — 2016 will end on a disappointing note as the state’s top-ranked college football team loses to Washington in the Peach Bowl. Your New Year’s resolution is to re-evaluate your priorities.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — You’ll feel suave in new Christmas clothes, but due to size issues, the look will be compromised by portions of you jettisoning outward for the better part of January. Your New Year’s resolution is better communicating your pants size to loved ones.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — Discovering Fred Richardson threw knock-off marshmallow pies at the Dollar General Bowl parade, you’ll boycott the 2017 MoonPie Drop. However, your love for 38 Special will ultimately drag you downtown. Your New Year’s resolution is to find better music.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — After an entire week, your S.O. will not be bothered by the fact your entire family consistently referred to them by your ex’s name name during Christmas. The present was probably the final straw. Your New Year’s resolution is to talk to your family more.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — Hearing about the death of George Michael, you’ll travel to Hollywood to see your favorite celebrities through the rest of 2016. Ironically, your tailgating will cause Nick Cage to run off the road, though he survives. Your New Year’s resolution is to like better movies.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — You’ll discover that the giant MoonPie atop the Trustmark building downtown is actually edible. After years of speculation, you’ll finally get to taste the confection. It’ll be stale and disappointing. Your New Year’s resolution will be to buy new underwear.
Leo (7/23-8/23) — You’ll celebrate New Year’s Eve with 38 Special at MoonPie Over Mobile. You’ll break out your sleeveless shirt and houndstooth hat, but you’ll have a good time. Your New Year’s resolution is to eat less salad and drink more whiskey.
Virgo (8/24-9/22) — You’ll be fired from your job at a high-powered Mobile law firm next week because of your activism. In retaliation for the Trump tree, you’ll cover the grounds of Mardi Gras Park with saplings. Your New Year’s resolution is to find a new job.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — You will decide to run for mayor in an attempt to get Mobile Regional Airport to divert flight paths away from your west Mobile home. You’ll win the election, but your proposal will fail. Your New Year’s resolution is to move.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — You’ll write a long letter to the president telling him exactly how you feel about the previous eight years. “Tea Baggers: A Manifesto” will eventually be banned in several countries. Your New Year’s resolution is to live in a remote cabin off the grid.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/22) — Rather than taking on the monumental task of cleaning up after the holidays, you’ll simply burn your house to the ground. Your New Year’s resolution is to find new uses for a pile of pine ash.
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