Libra (9/23 – 10/22) – With the sun very much in your eyes, you’ll pull out into speeding traffic on Airport Boulevard next week. Using your cat-like reflexes, you’ll maneuver the car past more than a few oncoming vehicles – finally reversing to a stopped position in an adjacent lane. After hearing a car horn you’ll realize you hallucinated the entire happening and are actually still on the service road at a green light … in front of several confused and angry motorists. The following day you’ll have a stern talk with your “pharmacist.”

Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21) – An old friend will come back into your life this week. You’ll need to remember that sometimes what seems like a burden at first can still seem to be a burden long after you originally thought it wouldn’t be any longer. After a week of sleeping on your couch, the “old friend” will start finding increasingly conspicuous ways of asking you to borrow money – culminating the moment you discover “let me hold a dolla” written on the bathroom mirror in toothpaste.

Sagittarius (11/21 – 12/22) – After getting into it with some commenters on the WKRG Facebook page, you’ll be surprised when an idle threat comes to fruition later this week. What you thought was a less-than-professional Census man turns out to be Trey “aintworriedboutnuthin” Sanders making good on a promise to “whip you” for a comment you were sure you’d deleted fast enough. Unfortunately for Mr. Sanders, you added ADT’s panic button feature after a similar incident on MySpace in 2005. As he’s loaded into a police cruiser, you’ll start to consider making the switch to Google+.

Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19) – You’ll wake up early one morning and notice something is a little off. After brushing your teeth and washing your face, you’ll notice it’s your eyebrows. They appear to have been highlighted and set to extra bold. Refusing to appear like you spread Nutella above your eyes, you’ll get a good wax and single-handedly set out to change the way the world sees overly exaggerated, drawn on brows. You’ll start small modest seminars and pamphlets but before long, you’ll have your own reality show and personal chauffer. And nicely sized, proportional eyebrows.

Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18) – After reading an article entitled “Items You Should Never Order From Fast Food Restaurants,” you’ll be devastated.  This news will change your life, for a short while at least. You’ll vow to only eat organic food from there on out, but an upcoming trip to Hardees and their oh-so-tempting fried bologna and Velveeta biscuit will bring you back to the dark side. Who cares if fast food restaurants are supposedly filthy and filled with health code violations? Your stomach will be happy and that’s all that matters. 

Pisces (2/19 – 3/20) – You’ll realize your “friends with benefits” is headed nowhere fast. Calls and texts later than 11 p.m. aren’t your thing anymore and you’ll gladly raise your cup to that. But you’ll start raising your cup a little too often. During the wee hours of the morning, you’ll receive a call from your “friend” because they need you to bail them out of jail. In a tragic tale of love, you’ll be arrested for a DUI and forced to part with your lover thanks to some nice steel bars.  

Aires (3/21 – 4/19) – A renewed interest in American history has you feeling a little more patriotic as of late. But diagnosed with a pronounced case of ADHD, you have little patience for extensive biographies and most lengthy works of nonfiction. You learn what you can of the lesser-known founding fathers from their Wikipedia entries. and are impressed when you correctly provide a related $100 dollar Jeopardy! question.

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20) – Taking a cue from the White House strategy to deal with the growing ISIL regime, you decide to launch strategic air strikes against a former lover. Still bitter about how they ended the relationship, you obscurely shadow the target armed with a straw and dozens of spit-soaked paper balls. You are only able to forgive and forget after you’ve successfully managed to make several of the tiny munitions stick to their back, and are especially amused that they roughly formed the letters F and U.

Gemini (5/21 – 6/21) – Intrigued by the Internet’s most popular stories of the week – the woman with the third breast and the guy who inadvertently orgasms 100 times per day – you decide to go public with your own semi-sexual curiosity. As you divulge to the world that your sense of hearing is located in your upper butt crack, suddenly people understand why you’ve always stood up and turned your back while they were speaking. Your courage pays off when people sympathetic to your plight grow accustomed to bending over and whispering softly to your rear and seem more forgiving when it sometimes whispers back.

Cancer (6/21 – 7/22) – You will get drunk at a BayFest pre-party and confuse a short, round man in a hideous suit for CeeLo Green. You begin to lecture the stranger about how it’s “crazy” he made those Twitter comments on rape. In the middle of your rant you’ll glance over and see Questlove on the drums. You’ll remember at that exact moment that the Roots replaced CeeLo at the event. You’ll apologize to the man’s face, but make fun of his lime green suit behind his back.

Leo (7/23 – 8/23) – You’ll try not to tease a friend too much when he goes on a campaign to bring the underappreciated Tex-Mex chain Taco Casa to Mobile. The Tuscaloosa staple means a lot to your friend, a UA graduate, but no one outside of T-Town knows anything about its cactus-shaped sign. Your dear friend’s lobbying backfires when the Planning Commission and City Council approve yet another Taco Bell on Government Street. Heartbroken, your friend will begin to hate-eat bean burritos until an intervention brings him back to good food.

Virgo (8/24 – 9/22) – You won’t be able to handle the news that the City Council extended the one-cent sales tax. You’ve gotten in trouble for previous dramatic displays based on local political decisions, but your rage won’t be denied this time. In a fit of anger, you’ll find all the pennies you can, bag them and drag them down to Government Plaza. You’ll ride the elevator up to the ninth floor and throw the pennies all over the foyer. You’ll take a slow elevator ride down, satisfied with yourself.