Leo (7/23-8/23) — The only thing you find surprising about the news of a viral outbreak at the Alabama School of Math and Science is the type of virus it was. You presumed, given the school’s apparent third educational emphasis — making out on the lawn — that every student would have had a bad case of mono. Instead, in a show of sympathy for their fevers and diarrhea, you send get well soon cards and Hershey’s Kisses.
Virgo (8/24-9/22) — A tropical disturbance no fewer than 3,500 miles from the eastern seaboard will have everyone speculating whether it’s the next Katrina. As paranoia sets in, you rush out to Lowe’s to stock up on batteries, flashlights, a weather radio and duct tape. The tropical disturbance will dissipate before it ever threatens land, but ironically, your car will be disabled and leave you stranded in the midst of a typical summer flash flood.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — Feeling tired but restless, inspired but melodramatic, you pick up an acoustic guitar and set to work writing the worst song ever. You thought it was very creative at the time, but the chorus “I just want to die or go to sleep, but I’m afraid of dying in my sleep” will be roundly mocked by serious songwriters and rejected by the music industry as a whole. You will find a single fan in some lonely emo kid, however, who thinks you’re just the greatest thing since Elliott Smith.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — For the first time ever you’ll escape two “meet the teacher” days without recording the events on social media. While your friend Bobby, who has four kids at the neighborhood school, will live tweet the afternoon’s special moments, you’ll keep your phone in your pocket like a real man. The temptation will be there to Vine the moment your first grader meets the exchange student from Guatemala, but you’ll stay strong, choosing to save the tale for an evening post on your Tumblr page.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/22) — You will have an intense moment of panic when your laptop and iPhone fall below 5 percent battery life at the same time. When this happens, you will be at the Spanish Fort Barnes and Noble Starbucks cafe, which has just one accessible wall plug, occupied by a tween charging her phone while she texts her friends. Never one to make a scene, you’ll hover awkwardly in the nearby “History” section until she leaves, when you pounce on the coveted wall plug seat.
Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — After months of hiding your “Land of the Lost” themed street punk band from work friends, Norm from accounting will catch you posting a flyer for your upcoming show on Facebook. You try to weasel out of it, but Norm asks you to describe your band “Cha-Ka and the Sleestaks” in front of Lisa from corporate. While it is difficult to describe to people whose knowledge of punk is limited to Green Day, it’s harder to explain the Sleestak costumes you wear on stage.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — After spending a few hours on local message boards, you’ll realize people in Alabama don’t know or care to know anything about Muslims. There will be countless posts suggesting they go back to their country, which you’ll find confusing as Islam is a religion, not country. Then a few days later, you’ll realize in horror their fears were valid as you read horoscopes in the paper to discover Islamic sympathizers have infiltrated the ranks of the local media. أنت غبي!
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — Even though it’s untrue, you’ll jump on the bandwagon and accuse @thefatjew of stealing your Twitter jokes. In a fraudulent and poorly written lawsuit, you’ll claim you’d be “balling out of control with mad dough if he hadn’t had lifted all your jokes off da net.” Though that suit will later be dismissed, the dust you kick will actually earn you a fair number of followers, but still nothing compared to the sheer volume amassed by some local news celebrities.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — You’ll be appalled at the criticism lobbed at a University of Alabama sorority after a recruitment video is skewered for depicting the members doing pretty much everything you’d expect them to be doing. While it may surprise some liberals to see several rich, white, skinny, blonde girls from Birmingham and Mobile enjoying a publicly subsidized education, you live in the real world and know how these things work. As an alumni yourself, you’ll just be glad the filmmakers didn’t show any of the “kitchen girls” who only got a bid because they’re legacies.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — Your much smaller second cousin will clown you on the basketball court, after challenging you to a game of one-on-one. You spent years dunking on the child, but now he’s in high school and you’re fatter, so it doesn’t work out quite as well for you. You’ll fake an injury and leave the court, after he blocks your fifth shot attempt of the afternoon. You’ll get really upset when he admits to you later that he thinks LeBron is better than Jordan. #scapeGOAT
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — You won’t feel as “smart” or as “mature” as your co-workers after you admit “The Walking Dead” gives you nightmares. You’ll explain to them that it’s not the “Walkers” that scare you, but the Southern accents the actors try to pull off. While you’re at it, you’ll speak your mind about the obvious plot holes, like how, based on the number of kills per week and the number of small groups you assume are in North America, that all the zombies would have been killed by mid-season last year.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — You’ll be guaranteed to lose your fantasy football league after you take a tight end in the first round for the second year in a row. You’ll pick a defense second and a kicker third. It will be evident you don’t know how the game works, but you’ll still end up in third place at the end of the year. But fantasy football sucks and the world is not fair. Way to work that waiver wire.