Taurus (4/20-5/20) — You will get in trouble at a future Thirsty Thursday at a Mobile Baybears game. Nothing beats the sweet taste of discounted beer on a spring evening, but too many of the brews will result in less-than-stellar decision making. Vendors will decide to cut off beer sales in the eighth inning and you will show your displeasure by jamming hot dogs into your mouth and hitting the field stark naked. Your night will end when you’re tackled by a man in a bear costume. Some people pay good money for that.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — You will be the butt of a friend’s very unfunny practical joke, as your number gets added to the “casual encounters” section of Craigslist. You will become the target of every creeper in the two-county area and the buzzing on your phone will never cease. You will successfully have the post taken down, but not before you get some pretty intriguing offers. You will reluctantly take your dog to the vet to get neutered. He’ll soon lose his sense of whimsy and will never be able to look you in the face again.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — You quickly make enemies in your adult co-ed kickball team when you attempt to hit on every teammate of the opposite sex. The obvious sexual innuendo attached to the various bases will be too much for you to resist. You will eventually strikeout though and be forced to resign from the team. Everybody knows that “playing the field” never involves an actual field. Sometimes it’s a hard lesson to learn. The bank gives you an extra $100 when you get a check cashed. You give it back because you’re a dummy.
Leo (7/23-8/23) — You will soon find out exactly how many coworkers it takes to change a light bulb. The answer is four. Four may seem like a lot, but don’t forget changing a light bulb can be tricky. That act involves a ladder, hands and at least the motor skills of a crippled baboon, so a lot can go wrong. On the bright side, it’s fun to watch people fail at a task. You will watch as a shopper collides into a grocery store’s sliding glass window. You will laugh.
Virgo (8/23-9/22) — You will get injured by an antenna from an old Mobile Police vehicle while walking down the sidewalk in your neighborhood. You will scream in surprise at this new form of police brutality. You will begin to raise a ruckus as you realize the city-owned piece of junk was responsible for your injury. You take the protesting a bit too far, however and end up in the back of said vehicle, noting that your day just got more exciting. You’ll find a tails-up penny on the street, don’t pick it up.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — You’ll still be eating Easter candy a week after the resurrection festivities have come to an end. Unlike like Christmas goodies, Easter treats can last you long into the summer if you play those cards right. You’ll casually hide Reese’s Eggs from your significant other in cool places throughout the house. You also agree to lend a hand to a friend who’s moving a piano. When you start playing the Peanuts theme in the moving truck, all productivity stops as your friend and his uncle do “The Linus.”
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — The conversation will die as you start reflecting on your high school days during a casual dinner at Ruby Tuesday. Your tales will only hold the attention of co-workers for a minute because you were home-schooled, which will make the story of your hot science teacher all the more unsettling. You’ll also split a sampler platter with the group, but aggressively eat far more than everyone else. You won’t be invited out for teambuilding Tuesday for a while. The Synergy Saturday picnic doesn’t look good for you either.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — A “Tales from the Crypt” rerun will have you on the edge of your seat until you realize it’s Joan Rivers on the E! channel. You’ll be frightened, but you’ll also know “who wore it best.” Keeping with tradition, you’ll pick some flowers for your Mother’s Day bouquet. However, keeping with their tradition, bees will attack you. You’ll return to work Monday to chants of “the human balloon” and “Lips McGhee.” You won’t let it faze you though, no amount of stinging insults stifle the joy that comes from a well-arranged bouquet.
Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — Good times will be had when you learn playing guitar is a natural thing for you. You’ll also jump the gun and quit your job after a brief and terrible performance at an open mic night. Because your friends were the only ones there, you’ll be under the impression it went great. It will quit seeming great the moment the first of the month rolls around and the bills show up. It turns out, “chasing dreams” is not grounds for a student loan deferment.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — You’re going to lose your car keys and look all around the house frantically before work. You won’t have the time to clean up after yourself once you find them in an old shoe at 9:02 a.m. Unaware of the situation, your significant other will assume you’ve been robbed. The police will be annoyed and your boss won’t understand. As the week rolls on, you’ll make plans for a beach trip the exact weekend of the biggest jellyfish invasion in years. Luckily, you won’t be there because you’ll lose your keys again on Saturday.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — At the new diner in town, you’ll feel adventurous enough to try a burger a little on the rare side. Unbeknownst to you, the cook is a literal kind of guy. After eating the questionable beef sandwich, you’ll spend the night over the toilet wondering why you added jalapenos. Because cold fronts are hard to plan for, you’ll have to dig a jacket out of the attic to wear to work next week. There you will encounter a spider the size of your fist. You burn all the coats.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — Against your better judgment, you will attend a screening of the new Kevin Costner flick “Draft Day.” Upon leaving the theatre you will become perplexed as to what propelled you to make such a terrible decision to watch a movie based on the actions of one of the worst modern franchises in NFL history. On a positive note, you will realize that the film may have finally put an end to the Postman’s career and a Costner-free world is a happy world. Save yourself the trouble and see the Lego Movie instead.