Gemini (5/21 – 6/21) — Your clever plan to make your significant other a better cook will be found out. For weeks you have strategically left the television on Food Network in hopes your lover would learn how to properly bake a meatloaf; however, revenge will be sweet, as your one-and-only decides to leave the television on late-night Cinemax because you need help in the bedroom. I don’t see how watching “Playmate of the Apes 3: Search for the Top Banana” will help you in the sack, but to each his own, I guess.

Cancer (6/22 – 7/22) — You will piss off your neighbor for quite possibly the last time a week from Thursday. A well-placed complaint with the Mobile Police Department will have narcotics officers at his door. You will giggle to yourself as he gets hauled off in handcuffs and his home gets labeled a “drug nuisance” and is boarded up by the city. That’ll teach him to return your lawnmower in a timely manner. Stay away from salad this week. You don’t need that rabbit food.

Leo (7/21 – 8/23) — Your trip to Orange Beach next week will go horribly wrong when you ignore the double red flags and dip your toes in the shark-infested water. The sharks will be in town for a conference and when your legs will make an appearance around lunchtime of day three. The bullies will attack, but you escape in time, only to step on a jellyfish. Talk about bad luck. You will get caught peeing in a friend’s pool during a birthday party across the bay.

Virgo (8/23 – 9/22) — You’ll become distracted at a club downtown after convincing yourself the man in the leather jacket and shades in the corner is none other than Charlie Sheen. You’ll casually walk up to the man and with a grin you’ll ask for one of his teeth. Sheen teeth — either from Martin, or Charlie — are big on the black dental market. Unfortunately, Emilio teeth aren’t nearly as popular. The man, who is not Charlie Sheen, will simply chuckle and walk away.

Libra (9/23 – 10/22) — You’ll make a mistake next week by walking outside. The sneezing, coughing and watery eyes will start immediately and continue through work the next day. Sure, it’s nice to take a walk every once and a while, but your body wasn’t made for the outdoors. You should try to stay indoors and just watch TV until you rot. There’s no need to put yourself through the agony of ragweed and pollen that an outside stroll encompasses. You will take in a stray dog this week.

Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21) — Your coworker will bring baked goods to the office, with disastrous results. The sugary confection will wreak havoc with your gastrointestinal tract and will keep you out of work for two days. Your boss, who also indulged in the work brownies, will also be absent. The baking coworker will be banned from bringing any future sweets into the office. You will win a contest to be a pacer for Mobile Greyhound Park. You enjoy dressing up as a rabbit anyway.

Sagittarius (11/22 -12/21) — After more than a month in your new apartment, the ability to procrastinate will have you living life in between boxes of clothes and knickknacks. After the first week you apparently just stopped noticing them and will soon be able to navigate the path to the refrigerator in the dark. It won’t become a real problem until you start going out downtown in pajamas because you don’t know where most of your real clothes are. Fortunately, some people are into PJs … probably.

Capricorn (12/22 -1/19) — Unbeknownst to you, you’ll attend a very important staff meeting with your shirt on inside out. When your new boss points out the wardrobe malfunction, you’ll instinctively deny it despite a tag being blatantly visible. You’ll immediately start talking more professionally, but to no avail. Everyone, including the receptionist, is staring at your inverted collar. Realizing there’s no way to save yourself, you’ll run to the bathroom to fix the problem. When you return, the whole staff is wearing their shirts inside out in solidarity.

Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18) — During a relaxing weekend in Orange Beach, you’ll take advantage of an “Adults Only” pool, but become disappointed when you realize that just means kids can’t swim there. After a few hours soaking up the sun, you’ll move to throw away the mountain of “Adults Only” beverage cans you’ve accumulated. While trying to carry a can on each finger, you’ll obtain several cuts and begin cursing near the “Kids Only” pool. After a withering look from a mother of four, you’ll remain in your room the rest of the weekend.

Pisces (2/19 – 3/20) — While in a meeting next week, an older and accomplished person will struggle to silence their flip phone as it rings repeatedly. You don’t have to be clairvoyant to know that, as it is happening at most times of the day. Still, when it does — you’ll wonder why this person doesn’t know how put a phone on vibrate. After minute, you’ll finally get refocused on the meeting. When the same Nokia strikes again moments later, you might even begin to find it comical.

Aries (3/21 – 4/19) — You and some college friends will host the first slip n’ slide party of the season. Unfortunately, your friend who majored in engineering won’t be able to make it because of a family gathering, which means he won’t be there to tell you setting up a slide on a 30-foot slope leading to a launch ramp of Papa John’s boxes is a bad idea. Luckily, your pre-med friend is there to confirm that hitting a Doge Stratus at 40 mph is enough to merit a trip to the hospital.

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20) — During a weekend trip to the lake, you’ll pass the time by feeding a small duck. He’ll then proceed to follow you the rest of weekend. Thinking it’s cute; you’ll keep feeding him tiny pieces of bread. This continues until you get into the car to leave. Things will get tense for second when a beak punctures the roof of the car on the way home. Thankfully, when the duck finally does force his way into the passenger seat, he just wants to hang out. Ducks are pretty laid back.