Sagittarius (11/22-12/22) — Trying to avoid your annual Thanksgiving turkey and sweet-potato induced coma, you’ll eat the whole bird the night before so you won’t miss any football. The plan will backfire when, instead of canceling Thanksgiving lunch, your wife punishes you by taking the family to Cracker Barrel during the big game. Next year, you’ll eat the whole turkey the night before, slash the tires on the family minivan and call in a bomb threat to the local Cracker Barrel.
Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — Being a person who tries to avoid holiday discussions of religion and politics, you’ll be annoyed when your communist uncle Ché brings up the presidential debates at the Thanksgiving table. Following a diatribe against the imperialist capitalist pigs in Washington, D.C., and Montgomery, he’ll take a decidedly softer tone in discussing the impending final season of “American Idol,” fighting back tears while declaring his unrequited love for Ryan Seacrest. He’ll preemptively declare his life an empty mess before the show takes its final bow this spring.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — You’ll be amazed at how quickly Donald Trump supporters go from being an excited group of fringe voters fed up with the status quo, to an actual and legitimate hate group. While you supported the desire to “Make America Great Again,” the new slogan “Make American Predominately Caucasian Once More” will give you pause almost immediately. As his momentum fades ahead of the Republican National Convention, his remaining followers will be deported to GITMO — a sentence destined to sail over their heads.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — You’ll make the wrong choice next weekend after you’re presented the option to purchase a $5 single mimosa or $8 bottomless mimosa. What starts as a classy brunch will deteriorate into a loud political discussion you and only one other person at the table will be comfortable with. A pot of coffee will alleviate the need for a nap, leaving you free to drink cocktails right on into midday NFL matchups.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — In the middle of a genuine night terror, you’ll use a duvet to confront what you previously believed was a venomous racoon beast. Swinging wildly, you’ll knock over the lamp — inadvertently creating your dream enemy’s greatest ally: darkness. In desperation, you’ll invoke the name of Christ as you demand this “filthy trash panda” leave your home peacefully. Instinctively, the racoon will leave your home with a fading hiss and wreck your garbage on the way out.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — You’ll be the first to catch wind of new demands made by University of Alabama students and faculty. After 2015’s second set of Nick Saban-to-Texas rumors sweep the click-happy liberal media, the group will force the football coach to give a final and definitive answer on the Longhorns job. Saban refuses, cursing the media and offering to fire Lane Kiffin to appease the angry mob. It works until Saban leaves the following year for Notre Dame.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — It won’t be a merry Christmas for you when you accidentally drink two-year-old egg nog. Normally the smell of expired dairy would be pungent enough to give you pause, but the fermented odor leads you to believe the carton has been spiked with extra hooch. You’ll lose a lot of sleep and weight in recovery, but eventually be OK. Ironically though, the confusion will result in what feels like “Santa” and his “reindeer” coming down your “chimney” all night on Christmas Eve.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — After a year of watching your son’s bad behavior, you’ll decide it’s time to teach the young man about consequences. You won’t be able to leave him any coal because the Sierra Club got rid of it all, but you will buy him only clothes for Christmas. He’ll open each box excitedly before growing more and more disappointed. He’ll begin to cry and you’ll snap a quick picture. You’ll tell him to behave himself and be more grateful, then tell your wife you have next year’s Christmas card photo.
Leo (7/23-8/23) — You’ll be surprised by the absence of turn signals on the road as you head home from a winter beach retreat, and decide to leave your blinker on constantly in hopes of educating the public to their existence. After about 60-plus miles keeping those behind you on edge, a fellow motorist will slow down while passing to ask “what the [expletive] you’re doing.” You’ll respond proudly, saying, “My part, sir, and what excuse have you?” Embarrassed, the driver will sink into his seat and politely return to the right lane.
Virgo (8/24-9/22) — After hearing Russia destroyed 472 ISIS targets in a single day, you’ll push your political differences aside and praise the quick work of Vladimir Putin. Though you normally support universal human rights, open government and quality of life, none of that will be enough to keep you from buying a shirt that reads, “Putin in dat work.” You’ll say to yourself, “violent persecution of homosexuals and outspoken women be damned” as you type out a long post addressing the whole ordeal.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — You’ll have to work double duty next week after a coworker goes into a coma following Auburn’s unexpected win in the 2015 Iron Bowl. After an abysmal season, the Tigers will shock the sports world and, more notably, the Alabama alumni you share a workspace with. Prepared to gloat, you’ll return to the office Monday only to find several members of the staff were checked into AltaPointe after spending most of Sunday staring at a cold television set and mumbling, “but … but … 16.”
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — A Robertsdale resident devoid of community holiday events, you’ll visit the annual tree lighting in Fairhope. You’ll be surprised to see how many people are there, and how they all look the same. After standing in the pristine streets for hours awaiting the main event, you’ll see a prominent Fairhope blogger sending you the stinkeye. In an effort to get away from her, you’ll try to nudge your way through the crowd. She’ll accuse you of pushing and the incident will go viral.