Pisces (2/19 – 3/20) — Now that charter schools are “a thing” in Alabama, you begin to make plans for a “scared straight” type of institution. There will be a need — when you were a kid, you wouldn’t listen to anybody except Bald Joe, the convicted triple murderer who convinced you to turn your life around while he had you cornered in a Holman prison cell. Locating teachers won’t be a problem, but you’ll find the janitor tough to keep, as he gets tired of cleaning all the pee off the floors.
Aries (3/21 – 4/19) — Maybe it’s a coincidence, but ever since Ted Cruz formally announced his presidential campaign, your sex life has taken a turn for the worse. Your partner used to initiate the intimacy and be adventurous, but ever since Cruz muttered something about “courageous conservatives,” your boo has insisted on lights-off, missionary position sex only, with hands above the waist and no excessive moaning. The good news is your neighbors sleep better. The bad news is if this keeps up, you’re going to support Hillary Clinton.
Taurus (4/20 – 5/20) — Your exploits as a lifeguard will wind up on YouTube and you’ll force yourself to watch the embarrassing footage over and over again until you feel nothing inside. That feeling of nothingness never comes, but a feeling of rage does. You’ll grab the computer off your desk in your second-floor office. It will hit a smoker at street level, who was minding his own business. The collision with the machine won’t kill the smoker, but it will badly injure him.
Gemini (5/21 – 6/21) — You’ll get convicted of theft and since this is Alabama, you’ll be sentenced to life in prison for the crime. Many will question this sentence, but the judge will maintain that your intent was to do much more harm than you actually did, hence the strict punishment. You’ll spend 15 years in prison before NPR will pick up your story for a season of the Serial podcast. You’ll tell your story to the sympathetic (liberal) masses. It’ll be a hit.
Cancer (6/21 – 7/22) — You’ll feel refreshed by the small but poignant role in the remake of “Roadhouse.” You’ll decide that it’s time to let everyone in Mobile feast on your acting chops. You’ll begin to perform showcases at LoDa Artwalk, until the city forces you to get a peddler’s license. In protest, you’ll run down Dauphin Street buck naked and covered in red paint to symbolize “the struggle.” You’ll make it to about Checkers before getting cold and bashful.
Leo (7/23 – 8/23) — Ever since your favorite bar downtown finally mixed their last fancy cocktail, gave away all their lamb tacos and closed its doors for the last time, you’ve slipped into a depression and have become extremely fearful of venturing out to find a replacement. You’ll succumb to the new, developing world of online bar hopping. Think Match.com but for the purpose of just getting drunk. You’ll become known for inventing an app that allows the download of beer straight into your home without ever having to leave your couch again.
Virgo (8/24 – 9/22) — After hearing about the Slipknot guitarist who stabbed his brother in the head, you’ll vow to stop listening to the band’s music. Though no one will notice a difference, considering the music was your guilty pleasure, until you start to withdraw and begin wearing an obscene, terrifying mask. However, the local newspaper-turned-digital-content website will pick up on your behavior for a heartfelt feature story. The exposure will have people asking you to make them their own masks, and before you know it, the entire city will look like a scene straight out of Silent Hill. Next, The Purge.
Libra (9/23 – 10/22) — Taking a cue from Angelina Jolie, you’ll start discussing all of your private medical procedures in very public forums. However, after penning a heartfelt piece in Salon about your upcoming colonoscopy, responses won’t be what you had hoped for. Instead of being praised as a brave and inspirational icon, you’ll be considered a gross parody of the always classy offspring of Jon Voight. Despite your closely-held desire to have everyone know everything about you, the Internet will show you no mercy — making fun until you decide to “keep ya doctor business at home.”
Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21) — Ahead of the game, you’ll start snatching up the newly available “.porn” and “.adult” domain names before other interested parties get a chance to. In a legendary power play, you’ll be the first to claim al.com.porn — which prevents Alabama’s newleader’s plan to profit from its decades-old catalog of Spring Break bikini photos at Orange Beach. You’ll also purchase porn.porn, which you’ll dedicate to your support group for victims of redundancy.
Sagittarius (11/21 – 12/22) — Shortly after turning down an invitation to dinner with your co workers, you’ll sit up in horror realizing there’s “no way they aren’t all talking about you.” Knowing social standing in the workplace can affect both your personal happiness and upward mobility, you’ll get a cheap bottle of wine and head over in hopes of at least catching dessert. Upon arrival however, you’ll notice a gentleman stealing one of your coworkers lawn chairs from the front porch while the party rages in back. Thwarting the robbery will seal a promotion you’ve had your eyes on for years.
Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19) — Knowing that Alabama’s blind clasp to conservative principles puts the state behind significantly when it comes managing new mind altering substances, you’ll start snatching up the latest gas station drug craze, “KoKane.” While the chunky, off white powder is legal — it’s most certainly not safe. Made from dried Drano and orange zest, it’s essentially dehydrated meth. But, busy arresting people for possession of a naturally occurring herb, police just won’t have to time to look into the growing “KoKane” epidemic, and, as a result, you’ll likely die face down in an Exxon bathroom.
Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18) — There’s no excuse. While you were whining about BayFest moving to West Mobile last week you neglected to attend either AeroFest or the Cajun Cook Off — two new events in the downtown area in need of a show of support. Chances are, you haven’t bought your SouthSounds tickets either and several other big, upcoming downtown events aren’t even on your calendar. Stop being such a hypocrite and put your money where your big, fat mouth is. And you’ll be going to BayFest this year. You know you will.