Virgo (8/23-9/22) — A slurry of mixed drinks will rocket you to a level of drunk even you never knew was possible. The “dark and stormy” will be the straw that broke the camel’s back after you have nearly every cocktail on the bar menu. While it might be fun, every Hemingway drunken night is followed by a Hemingway hangover. Who knows, maybe you’ll write the great American novel while nursing a blinding headache and throwing up Taco Bell you ate the night before. Maybe not.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — A secret love affair will be brought to light. The clandestine relationship is between you and Slim Jims. You try to hide your love of spiced meat sticks, but a friend will catch you with half the delicious meatlike concoction stuffed in your mouth. The hidden redneck joy of eating gas station meat might be less fun now that others know, but you always have Vienna sausages and pickled eggs to fall back on.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — A wave of spontaneity will consume you and have you jetting off to exotic locations like Theodore and Bayou la Batre. You will be hitting up new bars and meeting new people. There will be two things to dampen your mood. First, someone in a gas station bathroom will talk to you through what for all the world looks like a well-used glory hole. Secondly, an episode of “To Catch a Predator” will be filming outside the bathroom when you exit.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — You’ll learn the pros and cons of gambling. The pro side is you’ll bluff your way into a closed party with an open bar. Then you’ll learn the con side pretty quickly. Plied with plenty of free booze, you’ll make a rather questionable hook up. You’ll be glad you only have a hazy memory of the hookup, but then that memory will be locked into place by a sudden vision of a Willie Nelson tattoo in which natural hair is used to supplement the country star’s beard. Shudder.
Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — In your ever-developing Weird Al-esque solo act, you look for topical events to set to today’s hits. That’s why you’re commemorating the conclusion of the mayoral election with the song “Where have all the fish plates gone?” set to the tune of Paula Cole’s “Where Have All The Cowboys Gone?” Then, a stroke of genius will hit you that can be about all of the longtime politicians who lost their seats on Aug. 27. They will be honored by changing the words from “Blurred Lines” to “Unemployment Lines.” MTV is calling!
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — Twerking is all the rage with kids these days, and you’ll unlock your own latent twerk talent in coming days. Your knack for booty clapping is discovered when you drop a can of spaghettios while sneezing and after that, you’re a dancing fool. You’ll wow the youngsters with your skills especially since you’re rocking the mom/dad jeans. They’ll never know what’s hit them. It’s like some kind of Miley Cyrus-meets-Ward Cleaver milkshake with a lots of booty poppin’ thrown in.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — You’ll find yourself on a road trip when your car breaks down at a gas station. While broke down next to another person stranded, you’ll learn you’re stuck next to a psycho. The dude trying to start his car will be yelling, “ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!!!” Of course, there will be expletives intermixed. As you silently call for help, the grease-covered man will yell and throw wrenches at the car. Just when things get really scary, the real owner of the car will chase the psycho off. You should get AAA.
Aries (3/21- 4/19) — You’ll get stuck on a roof like a cat when you decide it’s a good idea to drink on an elevated level to “get better air.” Like some cats, you’ll decide you’re too scared or in your case too drunk to climb down. Things aren’t all bad on the roof until you run out of booze. That’s when you contemplate calling 911. One thing you’ll learn, a human stuck on a roof does not constitute an emergency. That and being doused with a fire hose hurts.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — Someone will see your naughty bits in an incredibly compromising position. While in a public bathroom, someone will enter into the unlock restroom and see alllllll of your Franklin Delano Roosevelt — from F to D to R and back. The incident will be awkward for both of you, but become even more so when the intruder says, “Huh…that’s weird.” Not really what you want people to say when they see you in all of your glory.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — A bet will cost you your shirt … really. You’ll be gambling like some do on college football when who should enter but handicapper extraordinaire Danny Sheridan. Before you know it you’re making out with him and attempting to “find the bag man.” Things get even steamier when Danny gives you a hot tip on a “can’t miss” PTA election. Unfortunately, some times even Danny is wrong and you’ll have your clothes taken by a vindictive PTA president-elect. Alas, you’ll also never find the “bag man” as Danny vows never again make out with a anyone not wearing a Press-Register badge.
Cancer (6/22-7-22) — You and an older person will hookup in a van under a major bridge. I know, you’re thinking, “Again?” Yes, but this time it’s a different older hottie. Even though you take your older stranger under a remote bridge, someone will see you rolling out of the 1990 Astro van (sans AC) and will ruthlessly make fun of you for weeks. It’s not so much what you’ve done, but what you said after the infamous hookup.
Leo (7/23-8/22) — You’ll do battle with an inanimate object in a drunken and/or hungover state — a full-out karate battle with a common household item. It will seek its revenge the next day when you’re nursing your battle wounds. The object will come out of nowhere and then make you stub your toe. There will be blood … and cursing. Unfortunately it is really hard to flush a coffee table down the toilet, so revenge will not be yours.