Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — After a meal fit for Robert Effin’ Baratheon, you’ll spend Thanksgiving evening with more regrets than your first marriage. Your Black Friday doorbuster is a multipurpose dry chemical fire extinguisher, in bubblegum pink.
Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — You’ll be forced to Google “antianxiety medication overdose” sometime during the fourth quarter of the Iron Bowl. Your Black Friday doorbuster is dozens of individual elements to build a Rube Goldberg Machine.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — Ironically, traffic congestion on Airport Boulevard will cause you to miss out on a two-for-one, his-and-her “So Mobile” pajama set. Your Black Friday doorbuster is a carton of gentle laxatives, individually packaged.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — As a longtime member of an underground corporal punishment enthusiasts club, you’ll form a political action committee — SPANKPAC — in support of Herman Thomas. Your Black Friday doorbuster is a former fraternity house.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — You’ll annoy an entrepreneur on Small Business Saturday by asking if they’ll honor a Groupon from a competing business. Your Black Friday doorbuster is a styrofoam cooler full of pretty shrimp and oysters.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — You’ll cure the nation’s opiate epidemic by breeding a turkey with insanely concentrated levels of tryptophan. Your Black Friday doorbuster is clear evidence of the Trump campaign’s collusion with Russia.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — Impressed by the implosion of the Georgia Dome, you set out to make “Demolition Mondays” a thing. Your Black Friday doorbuster is friendship bracelets for Fairhope’s mayor and City Council.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — Now that the kitchen has been rebuilt after the “Great Stove Fire of 2015,” you’ve restricted all poultry-frying activities to the backyard. Your Black Friday doorbuster is a 51-week vacation from your mother.
Leo (7/23-8/22) — You’ll be the first person ever kicked out of Serda Brewing for repeatedly telling every patron they should name a brew “Port Sh*tty.” Your Black Friday doorbuster is an original “Berenstein” Bears anthology.
Virgo (8/23-9/22) — With Thanksgiving behind you, you’ll write your annual letter and wish list to your German pen pal, Santa Klaus. Your Black Friday doorbuster is unconditional Norwegian citizenship.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — You invite the Mobile City Council to your Friendsgiving potluck to try to resolve the undetermined presidency. Your Black Friday doorbuster is a doe — a deer, a female deer.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — Still confused about what you witnessed during the American Music Awards, you Google, “What in God’s name is the deal with K-pop?” Your Black Friday doorbuster is every single cat sweater in PetSmart.