Virgo (8/24-9/22) — You will don your mask and cape and venture beyond the city limits. As superhero “Zoning Man,” you will ensure all setbacks and easements are respected in times of municipal turmoil. Your Drag Queen Story Hour counterprotest  will be to get Hillary to switch to America Online.

Libra (9/23-10/22) — Trying to take advantage of local government budget deliberations, you propose the “Bridge to Nowear,” a one-mile footpath over coastal wetlands to Baldwin County’s first nude beach on Bon Secour Bay. Your Drag Queen Story Hour counterprotest will focus on gun control.

Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — Still bothered by the University of South Alabama’s request for taxpayer money for a football stadium, you attend the first Jaguars game this weekend and chant “SOUTH IN YOUR MOUTH, AND IN YOUR WALLET.” Your Drag Queen Story Hour counterprotest will call for rental scooters downtown.

Sagittarius (11/22-12/22) — Confused by vague language on Fairhope’s election ballot, you’ll complain to the Secretary of State about rampant ballot fraud. Your Drag Queen Story Hour counterprotest will seek to ban plastic Mardi Gras throws.

Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — You’ve heard some bad ideas in your day, but giving Fred Richardson a $105 million loan for capital improvement projects may take the cake, or MoonPie, as it were. Your Drag Queen Story Hour counterprotest is to (re)BUILD THE WALL that collapsed at the Government Street McDonalds.

Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — In an effort to increase its rental value on Airbnb, you purchase new bathroom towels and an area rug for your house, which you rebrand as “Your House, Autograph Collection.” Your Drag Queen Story Hour counterprotest aims to legalize the aliens on “The X-Files.”

Pisces (2/19-3/20) — Noticing something is missing from the Master Gardener’s DREAM Garden, you plant some OG Kush and White Widow among the herbs. Your Drag Queen Story Hour counterprotest is to fly the American flag at half-mast upside down.

Aries (3/21-4/19) — You’ll attend the groundbreaking ceremony for the Daphne Innovation + Science Complex (DISC) to witness the birth of Baldwin County’s latest vacant commercial property. Your Drag Queen Story Hour counterprotest is to put the cocaine back in Coca-Cola.

Taurus (4/20-5/20) — Trying to save Catholicism from its rampant child abuse problem, you invite Pope Francis and your local priest over for cheap wine and unleavened bread. Your Drag Queen Story Hour counterprotest invites Evangelicals to read any other books.

Gemini (5/21-6/21) — You’ll commemorate the Queen of Soul by requesting to sing only Aretha Franklin songs at karaoke events this week. Your Drag Queen Story Hour counterprotest will have you dress up like Madonna and talk about yourself.

Cancer (6/22-7/22) — Inspired by a group of local mothers, you’ll circulate a petition to enforce 30 minutes of free-play recess at work daily. You’ll settle for leaving a little early, though. Your Drag Queen Story Hour counterprotest will be to add new flavors to the Juul vape lineup.

Leo (7/23-8/23) — Pledging to adopt the mantra “One Mobile,” you’ll root for both Alabama and Auburn this football season. Your Drag Queen Story Hour counterprotest will be for NCAA flag football to reduce concussion risks.

 

one word per APS