Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — With Gov. Kay Ivey’s inauguration speech emphasizing the need for more revenue to repair infrastructure, you begin to stockpile gasoline before new state taxes are approved.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — Watching helplessly as they suffer through even the smallest setbacks and poorly executed plays, you host group therapy for Saints fans anxious about the playoffs.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — Inspired by President Trump’s buffet for the National Champion Clemson Tigers, you’ll serve silver platters of fast food to all your future dinner party guests.
Aries (3/21- 4/19) — Since the University of South Alabama inked a naming rights agreement with Hancock Whitney for its new football stadium, you lobby Wells Fargo to continue its long tradition of poor financial decisions by securing a sponsorship for Ladd Stadium.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — Now that flu season is in full swing and everyone around you seems to be clearing their throats and breaking out in cold sweats, you invest in more healing crystals and essential oils.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — As the government shutdown stretches into its fourth week, you discover you have the ability to predict the weather more accurately than the National Weather Service.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — Torn between celebrating Martin Luther King Jr. or Robert E. Lee on Jan. 21, you create your own national holiday in memory of Jonghyun.
Leo (7/23-8/22) — Based on an exciting story you read in a local weekly newspaper, you try your hand at pickleball. At the age of 65, you’ll represent the USA Olympic Pickleball Team.
Virgo (8/23-9/22) — Combining your love of cops, dogs and chili, you attend the Mobile Police Department’s annual Chili Cook-Off and declare McGruff the winner.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — Piggybacking on the Mobile Arts Council’s new Mystic SOBs marching society to raise awareness for cultural assets, you create the Order of Arts and Science Studies (ASS) to promote educational opportunities.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — So pleased with the grand opening of Iron Hand Brewing Company, you’ll amputate your left hand and replace it with a permanent koozie.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — Feeling a little incentivized after local municipalities offered Airbus millions of dollars in cash to build another assembly line, you offer to employ a dozen welders if they pay off your student loans.