Virgo (8/24-9/22) — Since Drag Queen Story Hour remained nonviolent and your doomsday provisions went unused, consider donating them to victims of Hurricane Florence. Your lucky piece of garbage at the Alabama Coastal Cleanup is a MoonPie wrapper.

Libra (9/23-10/22) — You’ll create controversy where none previously existed when you go to the “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” fundraiser to prove that guys also are interested in having a good time occasionally. Your lucky piece of garbage at the Alabama Coastal Cleanup is a styrofoam cooler.

Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — For the next six weeks, you will submit to the pumpkin spice gods and purchase no food or household goods which do not contain the seasonal flavor or fragrance. Your lucky piece of garbage at the Alabama Coastal Cleanup is rope.

Sagittarius (11/22-12/22) — Attempting to reassure Alabama’s second-string quarterback Jalen Hurts, you remind him that no matter what his legacy is in Tuscaloosa, he can always sell vehicles for Mullinax Ford. Your lucky piece of garbage at the Alabama Coastal Cleanup is Black & Mild mouthpieces.

Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — Daydreaming of cooler weather, you’ll spend time this weekend taking your wool to the cleaners and sweeping last year’s ash from your chiminea. Your lucky piece of garbage at the Alabama Coastal Cleanup is a Crimson Tide automotive flag.

Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — Disappointed Jeff Sessions didn’t resign and return to Mobile to be a prosecutor last week, you remind him that no matter what his legacy is in Washington, D.C., he can always sell vehicles for Mullinax Ford. Your lucky piece of garbage at the Alabama Coastal Cleanup is a Slurpee cup.

Pisces (2/19-3/20) — You will take a break from baking for a while after a simple discussion about air pressure and dough temperature turns into a debate about Brett Kavanaugh. Your lucky piece of garbage at the Alabama Coastal Cleanup is Mardi Gras beads.

Aries (3/21-4/19) — Preparing for a potential rollback of library hours due to the city budget, you advise the city’s homeless to consider public bathing and napping opportunities elsewhere. Your lucky piece of garbage at the Alabama Coastal Cleanup is a cheap sandal.

Taurus (4/20-5/20) — You’ll commandeer the 3rd annual Massacre Island Pirate Event and pillage the spoils, taking your booty to the carrrrrrgh. Your lucky piece of garbage at the Alabama Coastal Cleanup is some fishing tackle.

Gemini (5/21-6/21) — You’ll take home top honors at the Baldwin County Fair after becoming the first human to knock down all the bottles with the balls. Your lucky piece of garbage at the Alabama Coastal Cleanup is a pool noodle.

Cancer (6/22-7/22) — You will awake from a common minor surgery to find that all the Halloween decorations have sold out for the next eight years. Your lucky piece of garbage at the Alabama Coastal Cleanup is the fender of an RV.

Leo (7/23-8/23) — Preparing for the “blue wave” allegedly coming in November, you build a massive ark for your Republican friends to take refuge on during the flood. Your lucky piece of garbage at the Alabama Coastal Cleanup is a folding camp chair.