Aries (3/21-4/19) — You’ll spend Earth Day burning loads of toxic personal baggage and polluting the streets and streams with the litter of your scorn. Your lucky dish at Mobile Bay Restaurant Week is a shawarma.

Taurus (4/20-5/20) — You’ll bring your own hot sauce to the Dauphin Island Gumbo Festival to ensure each sample is capable of melting your intestines. Your lucky dish at Mobile Bay Restaurant Week is an omelet.

Gemini (5/21-6/21) — To ease the sewage burden without BP oil spill money, you’ll encourage Prichard citizens to install composting toilets. Your lucky dish at Mobile Bay Restaurant Week is a pork chop.

Cancer (6/22-7/22) — You’ll be mistaken for a Hitmonchan at the Mobile Bay Anime Festival and forced into a Pokemon battle with a Staryu. Your lucky dish at Mobile Bay Restaurant Week is oysters.

Leo (7/23-8/23) — Despite your charitable intentions, you’ll contract ringworm after you kick your shoes off during a fundraiser downtown. Your lucky dish at Mobile Bay Restaurant Week is a hamburger.

Virgo (8/24-9/22) — The fifth crawfish boil you attend this week will go sideways after someone tosses fistfuls of cilantro into the pot seeking a more festive flavor. Your lucky dish at Mobile Bay Restaurant Week is a salad.

Libra (9/23-10/22) — Inspired by the Mobile Public Library screening of “Thunder Soul,” you purchase a used saxophone but only learn to accompany Gerry Rafferty’s “Baker Street.” Your lucky dish at Mobile Bay Restaurant Week is tacos.

Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — You’ll open your lunch box at Catt’s Brown Bag Concert and discover your mommy forgot to pack your Lunchable. Your lucky dish at Mobile Bay Restaurant Week is chicken wings.

Sagittarius (11/22-12/22) — You’ll notice Susan Fitzsimmons’ “Meme in Art” exhibit excludes the Wal-Mart Yodeling Boy, perhaps the greatest meme of our generation. Your lucky dish at Mobile Bay Restaurant Week is pizza.

Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — Against conventional wisdom, you’ll feed the alligators of Dog River during the Great Drift Paddle. Your lucky dish at Mobile Bay Restaurant Week is barbecue.

Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — Agitated you were shut out of yet another year of Pulitzer Prizes, you return to your chambers to put your frustration on paper. Your lucky dish at Mobile Bay Restaurant Week is a shrimp.

Pisces (2/19-3/20) — Believing you finally found like-minded individuals, you’ll shave your head and spread eagle at the Weeks Bay Foundation’s Bald Eagle Bash. Your lucky dish at Mobile Bay Restaurant Week is cheesecake.