Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — Taking the state road far less traveled, you’re advised to ignore the Iron Bowl this weekend and read a biography on Huey Long. Your lucky Thanksgiving side dish is sausage rice.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — Stand in solidarity with Florida Street businesses and hold a protest at the corner of Old Shell Road and McGregor Avenue. Your lucky Thanksgiving side dish is creamed corn.
Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — In case you were spiritually conflicted, it’s OK to attend the Ghost concert at the Saenger Theatre as long as you hide it from your mom and confess it to your priest. Your lucky Thanksgiving dessert is cheesecake.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — Taking a cue from the mayor, you incentivize public works employees to pick up your trash on time by leaving an envelope full of scratch-off tickets on your garbage can. Your lucky Thanksgiving side dish is green bean casserole.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — In an attempt to curb political speech at your family Thanksgiving dinner, you require all your guests to wear shock collars. Your lucky Thanksgiving dessert is chocolate pudding.
Aries (3/21- 4/19) — You’ll swear off big-box stores this year in support of Small Business Saturday. It won’t be yours, but at least that new $1,200 46-inch TV sent someone’s kid to college. Your lucky Thanksgiving side dish is cornbread.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — Inspired by the local chapter of the American Institute of Graphic Arts, you’ll create a movie poster for Mobile called “Suck,” based on the 2001 movie “Blow.” Your lucky Thanksgiving side dish is stuffing.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — Disappointed that Jeff Sessions never got to build the wall, you will happily erect a 12-foot chain-link fence with razor wire around his West Mobile house free of charge. Your lucky Thanksgiving side dish is cranberry sauce.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — You’ll combine all your Thanksgiving leftovers into a single breakfast bowl. The only thing missing is ranch dressing. Your lucky Thanksgiving side dish is sweet potatoes.
Leo (7/23-8/22) — Mourning the loss of Gov. Kay Ivey’s pet dog, Bear, you’ll send her a new pet you believe is a perfect match: the Alabama Red Bellied Turtle. Your lucky Thanksgiving dessert is pecan pie.
Virgo (8/23-9/22) — Distended from a holiday eating binge, the only way you’ll lose that heavy feeling is by Prancercising through downtown Fairhope. Your lucky Thanksgiving side dish is deviled eggs.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — Simultaneously respecting Native American culture and exercising your appreciation of less restrictive underwear, you’ll attend the Poarch Creek Pow Wow in a flannel shirt and loincloth. Your lucky Thanksgiving side dish is sausage gravy.
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