Gemini (5/21-6/21) — In a pickup game of soccer in Fairhope, you’ll be nutmegged with a pine cone. You will also discover cleats are ideal for outrunning rabid foxes. Your lucky World Cup team is Senegal.

Cancer (6/22-7/22) — Here’s some great advice for anyone who is about to cohabitate with a significant other: Always keep the “pitch” clean. And don’t let the house get too “Messi.” Your lucky World Cup team is England.

Leo (7/23-8/23) — You’ll recieve a yellow card caution for merging into traffic at the western entrance to the Bankhead Tunnel. You’ll be ejected from the game for trying to squeeze a semi truck through it. Your lucky World Cup team is Mexico.

Virgo (8/24-9/22) — You’ll redesign the soccer ball using all new polygons. The rest of the world is not too receptive, but you’ll find the game much more interesting when you kick around a pyramid. Your lucky World Cup team is Serbia.

Libra (9/23-10/22) — Now that we’re in the thick of the summer, you’ll limit your time outdoors to 90-minute intervals. But if you’re having fun, you may bend the rules by adding a little stoppage time. Your lucky World Cup team is Croatia.

Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — Undeterred by the federal government’s snub of the Mobile River Bridge, you’ll strap on your shin guards and rally up to Washington D.C. to cry foul. Your lucky World Cup team is France.

Sagittarius (11/22-12/22) — I’m not usually one to speak in riddles, but be wary of the midfield line, lest you find yourself in the penalty arc. Your lucky World Cup team is Iran.

Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — You’ll walk into Prichard City Hall, accidentally slip on some backed up sewage and slide tackle a cop. Your lucky World Cup team is Uruguay.

Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — You’ll be the final person to sign Fairhope’s new government petition, potentially “saving” the city from a total shutout. Your lucky World Cup team is Russia.

Pisces (2/19-3/20) — You’ll draft an ordinance to stop speaking in verbal languages in favor of  communicating entirely via vuvuzela. You’ll *berrrrrp *berrrrrrp *berrrrrp *berrrrrrp. Your lucky World Cup team is Denmark.

Aries (3/21-4/19) — You’ll draw an offsides penalty for neglecting to order eggs at this weekend’s brunch. You’ll ask the server to reset and throw in a benedict. Your lucky World Cup team is Sweden.

Taurus (4/20-5/20) — To help fix blight in the city and simultaneously work to cut deferred maintenance costs, you’ll strike up a plan to build the next municipal building out of plexiglass. Your lucky World Cup team is the United Sta … oh, nevermind.