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Have an enemies list? For just $3 a poop you can name a cat excrement after them.


Last week I received a press release that made me strongly consider forever leaving the toxic waste pit the internet can often be.

It read, “Just wanted to share our new service that allows you to name a fresh [pile of cat poop] after someone who deserves that type of attention. https://instagram.com/catpoopnaming/

“[Three dollars] will allow you to name a fresh CatPoop after your person of choice. We will send that special someone an email with a picture of the [cat poop] they are named after with a special message explaining this honor you have bestowed upon them.

“You can also upgrade your purchase with our Instagram shout out add-on for $5 total. We will post the cat poop image on our Instagram page for 24 hours and tag the person you have named it after. Buyers can remain anonymous or we can include their name in the email and post.

“The majority of proceeds go to buy cat litter, food and daily care for the 4+ cats who donate their time and effort to this poop service. An annual donation of 3% of the proceeds will be made to the ASPCA to help fight animal cruelty and homelessness.”

We get lots of very strange and/or even downright ridiculous press releases from all over the world for a variety of very strange products or services, but this one might just be the craziest I have ever received.

And I just have so many questions. The first one being, “Is this the first sign of the apocalypse?” Perhaps.

But then there are so many more ….

This is presumably a worldwide service since it is Instagram-based. And they only have four cats providing these poops which are promised to be “fresh?” It has admittedly been a while since I owned an indoor cat and had firsthand knowledge of the amount of “production” each cat would be capable of, but that seems like a lot to ask of each kitty. I mean, are they gorging them with food so they can provide enough specimens for their customers?

Also, is the cat poop guaranteed to be free from litter? I just don’t think your arch nemesis would be nearly as insulted if the “gift” came encrusted in Tidy Cat. Just takes a little of the punch out of it, you know?

Does each poop come with a certificate of authenticity from Fluffy, Mr. Whiskers, Tabby and Pumpkin? I really do not want a recycled photo of one sample Fluffy produced a year ago. Nothing but the best for my sworn enemies! And that’s fresh, steaming, one-of-a-kind cat poop delivered fresh to their inboxes!

Although the cats are doing most of the dirty work here, so to speak, coming up with a name for this poop would be challenging as well.

What’s in a poop name? Would cat poop by any other name smell as disgusting?

I mean, the obvious choice would be to just name it the name of your enemy. Here, Doug, here’s a fresh pile of Doug for you. I hope you eat Doug and die, Doug.

But that seems a little too simplistic. Maybe it should be something that reminds the person of the reason you hate them. Hey Jill, please enjoy this piece of “you stole my husband from me and my kids, you adulterous skank” poop. This was specially made just for you by Pumpkin, who let’s just say hasn’t met a Tom cat she didn’t like!

But that is a little wordy.

We do live in the South, so maybe a double name would be the way to go. Ann Stool, Mary Diarrhea or John Toxoplasmosis would all be good choices. Especially for frenemies who you may just want to give a little good-natured Ann Stool to.

Maybe a name isn’t even necessary. Maybe mysterious, unnamed poo makes a bigger statement.

At first, I thought this idea was absurd. The dumbest thing I have ever heard. But in a weird way, I am warming to it.

In this highly toxic social media world we now live in, where we judge people so quickly and so harshly — even people we don’t know — by typing a visceral and vicious reaction in 280 characters in an instant, it’s kind of nice to have to slow down and really think about being a real turd to someone by sending them a turd.

Maybe they are on to something here. I think they are going to need a few more cats, though.

Meow!