Sagittarius (11/22-12/22) — Things get awkward when you arrive at a Christmas party wearing the same humorous sweater as another guest. Apparently an image of Trump and the phrase “Feliz Navidad Señor Presidente” is the easy joke to make.
Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — In an attempt to put a phony Christmas “tradition” to rest, you will quietly bury someone’s Elf on the Shelf under an azalea bush. Remarkably, it’s there you will discover a graveyard of Furbys, Tickle Me Elmos and Zhu Zhu Pets.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — In an effort to capitalize on both its seasonal high protein content and undeniable deliciousness, you will go on an all-eggnog diet. But that warm embrace which initially feels comforting is actually acute nutmeg poisoning.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — Somehow burying your TV, abstaining from social media, wearing earmuffs to work and refusing to speak with strangers will not be enough to keep you from hearing about the College Football Playoff. There’s no joke here — just a particularly sad fact for most of the astrological chart.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — You’ll campaign to save SNL from Donald Trump after the thin-skinned billionaire declares the program’s staff to be enemies of the state. He’ll convince his supporters via Twitter that the long-standing program is now “un-American and totally crooked. Sad.”
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — Though the Satanic Temple is dedicated to the separation of church and state and not Beelzebub, those subtleties will be lost when your grandmother sees your social media post. You will be doused in holy water immediately when she arrives for Christmas dinner.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — You’ll finally clean out your desk at work in hopes of finding your misplaced business cards, but in the process you’ll find so much more — a staple remover, a calculator, dust, discarded lunch orders and not your business cards.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — You’ll be benched by your rec league kickball team when you arrive at a game shirtless. You’ll assume the punishment is for a dress code infraction, but your teammates will tell you they just don’t want to see your belly jiggle.
Leo (7/23-8/23) — You’ll discover that d’Iberville and Bienville actually named Mobile after cellular phones. Your research will show that aliens actually came to Earth and showed them the technology more than 300 years ago. That also explains The Temple with its breasted sphinxes.
Virgo (8/24-9/22) — You’ll unlock the secrets of Riverside Ice by skating in a circle 100 times. What appears to be a normal rink will reveal itself to be a portal to an alternate dimension where everything is the same, except no one uses cilantro, or lemon.
Libra (9/23-10/22) —You’ll fake out everyone when you start Mobile and Baldwin counties’ only fake news source. In order to be extra sneaky, you’ll actually call it “Fake News Gazette.” Most readers will assume the name is ironic and believe every word you publish.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — You’ll day drink this week as temperatures briefly fall below freezing. You’ll day drink next week when temperatures again climb into the low 80s.