As much as I love Halloween, at some point I pretty much always end up feeling like a grumpy old curmudgeon. That’s really a shame because I love almost everything about the “holiday,” including the pumpkins, the spooky decorations, the horror movies, the fun music and lord knows I love all the treats!
It’s really my favorite time of the year all around, particularly since I have a mid-October birthday and typically celebrate with my first camping trip of the glorious not-too-hot-to-sleep Gulf Coast camping season. Yay for October!
My only problem with Halloween is the whole costuming part of the affair. I pretty much suck at costumes and often find myself cracking under the pressure of coming up with an idea that’s clever, inexpensive, flattering and comfortable. Plus, I’m very sensitive to tactile sensations and can’t stand dealing with anything that pinches, pokes, pulls, sags or tugs, and I don’t like sticky crap all over my face. (I believe the proper medical term for my condition is known as “whiny little b*tch” syndrome.)
Don’t get me wrong, I love the enthusiasm and enormous creativity other people display in choosing and building costumes, and I enjoy watching as a spectator. It’s just that I rarely get excited about participating, and my husband is even less of a costume enthusiast. Nothing strikes fear into our hearts more than Halloween party invitations that include the words “costumes requested.”
I suppose our lazy attitudes might simply be left over from the uninspired costumes of our respective childhoods. Scott remembers dressing as a simplistic version of Dracula (cape, white face and slicked-back hair) roughly 10 years in a row, and I was either a clown (mismatched clothes, pigtails, rosy cheeks) or a ghost (white sheet with eye holes, seriously) every year. So basically, it’s our parents’ faults.
Or maybe we’re just tired and busy people who prefer to devote our limited time and energy to other creative pursuits. Either that or we’re just lazy slobs who resent the idea of changing out of our pajamas during our precious not-at-work hours.
At any rate, we usually end up making Halloween party plans, debate the idea of showing up without a costume, and then wait until the last minute before finally deciding it’s lame to act like such party-poopers, and throw something together on our way out the door.
I know we’re not alone. That’s why I’m here to help with some of the best ideas I’ve compiled from various sources for the perfect last-minute costumes for lazy slobs. I suppose you could probably just get on the Internet and look up some ideas for yourself but, let’s face it, you and I both know you’re not going to bother.
• Star Wars Snuggie. I’ll start off by saying this is probably my favorite lazy costume, although it does require a trip to the local Wal-Mart. Stop whining! Wal-Mart is the scariest place in town, which will help you get in the mood for ghouls and frights. Technically this costume is not an official “Snuggie,” nor is it an official “costume.” It’s called an “adult comfy throw with sleeves,” which is basically a blanket with arms, which is basically a Snuggie. It comes in either Darth Vader or Chewbacca, and it’s designed to make you more or less resemble the characters. Not only would you look totally cool dressing as everybody’s favorite villain or Wookie, but you get to hang out and eat Halloween cupcakes in a Snuggie, for Chrissakes!
• Grumpy Cat. Dress in brown and white, pick up (or make!) a cheap pair of cat ears and head out the door wearing your usual scowl. Done.
• Arthur Dent from “The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.” This brilliant costume is a lazy slob’s dream! Not only does it seem kind of fun to dress as every nerd’s favorite hapless tea drinker, but it’s exquisitely comfortable. All you need is a bathrobe, slippers and your trusty towel. While all those other suckers are picking tights out of their behinds and desperately fighting the urge to scratch their nose and ruin their face paint, you’ll be wandering around looking confused in your bathrobe and slippers. In other words, you’ll look the same as you always do, but you get to call it a “costume.” Just don’t forget your towel! It’s about the most massively useful thing an interstellar hitchhiker can have.
• A kid in pajamas. Yes, seriously. Put your hair in pigtails, put on your coziest Spiderman pajamas, and grab your kid’s teddy bear. Sure, it’s not a particularly memorable or exciting costume, but you at least get points for trying AND you get to hang out all night eating and drinking with other adults while wearing your favorite pajamas.
• A Mirror Universe version of yourself. Inspired by the famous “Star Trek (TOS)” episode where Kirk, Bones, Spock and Uhura are transported to a parallel universe containing opposite versions of themselves, this is one is fun and easy. All you have to do is wear something you normally wouldn’t wear and assume a disposition entirely unlike your usual personality. So, for example, instead of your usual black yoga pants and T-shirt, you’d wear a colorful but equally comfy muumuu, and instead of shuffling around like a laid-back stoner, you’d drink way too much and act surly. Or something like that. Customize as needed.
• Freshly turned walker/zombie. Just wear whatever you’d normally wear while watching “The Walking Dead” on your couch. Then all you have to do is get yourself one of those stick-on bite marks they sell in the Halloween aisle, slap it on your body somewhere, and then walk around growling and biting folks. Since you’ve only been a zombie for a few minutes, there’s no reason to tear your clothes or bother with a bunch of makeup resembling decaying flesh.
Hope that helps. Happy Halloween!
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