Cancer (6/22-7/22) — In celebration of your birth month and the conclusion of an extended Netflix binge, you’ll emerge from your waterlogged home to find the daylight much brighter than you remembered. You’ll suffer the first documented case of snow blindness, sans snow. Your rain song is Led Zeppelin’s “The Rain Song.”
Leo (7/23-8/23) — Tired of the precipitation, you’ll attempt to deter the bad weather the way your grandmother taught you — waving a broom and shouting rated PG-13 nonsense. You’ll stub your toe and the nonsense will become R rated. Your rain song is Garbage’s “Only Happy When It Rains.”
Virgo (8/24-9/22) — Cursory scientific research will lead you to conclude recent downpours are the result of global warming. Your next refrigerator purchase will use fewer kilowatt hours, but produce twice as much ice. Your rain song is CCR’s “Have You Ever Seen The Rain.”
Libra (9/23-10/22) — Preparing for the inevitable swarm of post-rain mosquitos, you’ll infect yourself with the West Nile virus. You won’t develop an immunity, but it will help you achieve that sickly beach body you were hoping for. Your rain song is Milli Vanilli’s “Blame It On The Rain.”
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — With the remnants of a tropical low still churning in the gulf, you’ll finally attempt to teach yourself how to surf. Eventually surrendering to your poor sense of balance, you’ll have to find new uses for leftover sex wax. Your rain song is Tom Waits’ “Make it Rain.”
Sagittarius (11/22-12/22) — Mocking the threat of severe weather, you’ll do your best Jim Cantore impression for a Facebook Live video. It’ll go viral after you’re struck by lightning. Jim Cantore will use it as a cautionary tale. Your rain song is Bob Dylan’s “Buckets of Rain.”
Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — Taking a cue from “Back to the Future II,” you’ll develop a self-drying jacket. The Consumer Product Safety Commission will issue a recall after several reports of third-degree armpit burns. Your rain song is Rihanna’s “Umbrella.”
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — For ease of maneuverability around midtown’s flooded streets, you’ll trade in your compact car for a duck boats. You’ll run a-fowl of the U.S. Coast Guard. #dadjokes. Your rain song is Guns N’ Roses’ “November Rain.”
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — Trying to lure the ladies downtown during inclement weather, you’ll host the world’s first and last wet boxer shorts contest. The rain won’t be the only thing measured in inches. Your rain song is Prince’s “Purple Rain.”
Aries (3/21-4/19) — Reenacting a scene from Stephen King’s “It,” you’ll follow a paper boat into a storm drain. To your delight, you won’t be coaxed down by a homicidal clown, but Tyrone Biggums will be in there looking for some crack. Your rain song is Gene Kelly’s “Singin’ In The Rain.”
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — To save the planet from complete inundation, you’ll retreat to your lab and develop water-resistant earth. Your research will hit a breakthrough when your simpleton neighbor stops by and suggests developing earth-resistant water instead. Your rain song is B.J. Thomas’ “Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head.”
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — You’ll cower in your bathtub alongside your pets while slowly rocking back and forth and chanting for an end to the rain. It’ll be the most crazy thing you’ve done — this year anyway. Your rain song is Blind Melon’s “No Rain.”
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