Cancer (6/22-7/22) — You’ll be disappointed, but not surprised, when you host a potluck dinner, only to have your guests arrive with various marijuana products and a limited variety of munchies. Your lucky Fourth of July fireworks are Saturn missiles.
Leo (7/23-8/23) — Trolling ever so hard, you’ll create a change.org petition to keep migrant families out of a Navy airfield in Baldwin County and instead disperse them among the three proposed districts in the city of Fairhope. Your lucky Fourth of July fireworks are bang snaps.
Virgo (8/24-9/22) — Feeling generous, you’ll make a $.99 contribution to the University of South Alabama’s proposed football stadium. Unfortunately, you’ll have to use the rest of your paycheck on this month’s student loan payment. Your lucky Fourth of July fireworks are Roman candles.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — After seeing the crime scene photos from the assault at Callaghan’s last week, you suddenly feel wary about ordering your burger medium-rare. Your lucky Fourth of July fireworks are smoke bombs.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — You abandon your white-collar job to become a millwright and country music singer. Your career will fail when you collaborate with Dan + Shay. Your lucky Fourth of July fireworks are snakes.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/22) — Something stinks in midtown but it’s not GAF. Turns out you emit a noxious odor of your own when temperatures get this hot. Your lucky Fourth of July fireworks are bottle rockets.
Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — Gearing up for the Exploreum’s Genghis Khan exhibit, you’ll mount your stallion and expand your workspace empire. You demand two cubicles instead of one. Your lucky Fourth of July fireworks are pooping dogs.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — In anticipation of the return of Amtrak service between Mobile and New Orleans, you’ll hike to the Crescent City. You’ll arrive two days sooner than any train would have. Your lucky Fourth of July fireworks are artillery shells.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — You’ll find a recipe for kosher ice cream online and create a flavor called “Red, White and Jewish.” You’ll get a stern letter from the Anti-Defamation League. Your lucky Fourth of July fireworks are sparklers.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — You’ll memorize Jeff Goldblum’s lines in “Independence Day” and employ them exclusively in all your dialogue July 4. You’ll find “do your stuff” is incredibly versatile. Your lucky Fourth of July fireworks are M-80s.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — You’ll spark a small riot when one of the watermelon seeds from your seed-spitting contest goes astray. Next year, consider cantaloupe. Your lucky Fourth of July fireworks are helicopters.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — Now that you’ve invested a small fortune in a ceramic grill, you’re less likely to cause an explosive catastrophe with lighter fluid. Try using that half-empty bottle to boost the ceiling of your grand finale. Your lucky Fourth of July fireworks are parachutes.
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