We don’t know why Hollywood, specifically director Robert Zemeckis, has seen fit to apply their disturbing motion capture CGI shenanigans disproportionately to Christmas stories, but this visually unnerving approach has besmirched both “The Polar Express” and “A Christmas Carol.”
Tom Hanks and Jim Carrey have, respectively, displayed the hubris necessary to accept most of the leading roles in these films. While I find “The Polar Express” grating and “A Christmas Carol” frankly horrifying, these men have unwittingly blazed a way forward for Hollywood to redeem itself, Scrooge-like, from its disastrous behavior toward women — and what better time than the holidays to do so.
We can harness this distressing technology toward a better future with more roles for females. Gal Gadot, who is, of course, Wonder Woman, can star in every role in a female-centric remake of every Christmas movie. At press time, “Wonder Woman” remained one of 2017’s few unsullied cultural touchstones, something we can enjoy without feeling guilty or dirty or both.
While the specter of open bathrobes hangs luridly over pretty much everything else, from “Tootsie” to morning television to “Shakespeare in Love,” “Wonder Woman” was a bright spot this year, so let’s shine her light on everything we can think of.
Won’t it be nice to see her earnest, sweet face distorted into the visages of Clark Griswold, George Bailey, Charlie Brown and all our other yuletide faves? She can easily hang those Christmas lights in “National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation,” because Wonder Woman cannot fly exactly, but she can certainly leap really high.
“It’s A Wonderful Life” is already a beautiful story with a wonderful cast, but let’s refresh the story a bit with Gal Gadot, in the Donna Reed part, actually investing her meager savings into Sam Wainwright’s factory, getting in on the ground floor, and marrying neither Wainwright nor George Bailey, because his proposal is horrible, honestly. She supports herself in style, adopts a bunch of kids, refurbishes that house herself and still goes to work in the library, thank you very much, not because she needs the money but because she values literacy in her community of Bedford Falls.
Motion capture Gal Gadot will really have her work cut out for her as she tackles the gigantic cast of “Love, Actually,” but every single storyline demands improvement anyway. Gal will look far less mortified when she dances through Kensington Palace in the Hugh Grant part, and no CGI father will ever fat shame his CGI daughter, which two separate dads in two different storylines do in the current version.
When Gal Gadot shows up at Gal Gadot’s door holding those cheesy signs, they will have the words from Bob Dylan’s “Subterranean Homesick Blues” on them, because he did the sign thing first, and the characters will just really appreciate Bob in this version. They’ll have a respectful platonic discussion about it.
While I have noticed with disbelief that we’re already in for an unwelcome remake of the wry, nostalgic “A Christmas Story,” a live musical no less, we will also have to submit this one to the Gadot treatment. If she tells you you’ll shoot your eye out, it can’t be that bad, and instead of a leg lamp, the dad will get a beautiful, tasteful lamp honoring Susan B. Anthony and everyone will really love it.
She can also rerecord that rapey holiday duet, “Baby, It’s Cold Outside,” singing both parts like Peggy Lee as the Siamese cats in “Lady and the Tramp,” because I really don’t think we can endure that song anymore. The girl sings “The answer is no!” then the guy I guess presses a secret button under his desk that locks the door behind her; it’s just not cute anymore. In this version, Gal Gadot will ask, “Hey, what’s in this drink?” but the other Gal Gadot will reassure her it that it’s just Kombucha or something.
Hopefully, as we gather ‘round once more at this time next year to enjoy this new slate of holiday classics, the outpouring of horror stories will be over and Gal Gadot can lead us to a new (virtual) reality, one in which even women who aren’t her can snag a little dignity on and off the screen.
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