On Tuesday, Alabamians will head to the polls to choose who will be our next United States senator. The field is so crowded most of us couldn’t name more than three or four contenders. 

The three who have emerged as front-runners are former Alabama attorney general and current Bentley-appointed U.S. Sen. Luther Strange, U.S. Rep. Mo Brooks and former Alabama Chief Justice Roy Moore. 

Without question, I am going to have to take a long, hot shower after casting my vote, no matter who it’s for. And I will probably still feel dirty.

Strange would have been the easy choice if he hadn’t gone sleazy with Bentley.

I don’t care that the Luv Guv and the Jolly Green (or red) Giant of senators “say” they didn’t talk about the investigation that Strange said was happening and then said (when it was politically convenient) wasn’t “necessarily” happening. I’m sorry.

Even if I believed they didn’t talk about the Lovernor’s legal woes at all when Bentley was “interviewing” him, Strange should have never put himself in the running for this position while his office was investigating Bentley. Because, of course, the optics are horrible. So horrible, it just may lose Strange the position he was clearly willing to sell his soul to a horny little ol’ devil for, despite the massive amounts of money the Mitch McConnell-controlled Senate Leadership Fund has been dumping into the state. 

In addition to the Bentley filth that Strange just can’t seem to wash away, it is very obvious “the Swamp” wants to keep Strange as one of its creatures and that is pretty icky too. I laughed out loud last week when I caught an ad from Luther proclaiming he was going to help Trump “drain the swamp,” when his entire campaign is supported by the “PAC” of alligators and snakes who have been wallowing in that muck for years. Clearly, the man will say or do anything to keep this position. And that should tell us all we need to know. 

But we are the state that sent Roy Moore back to office after he was removed the first time. And then, shockingly, he was removed again. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, we should be forced to forfeit our right to vote as a state.

I have a hard time seeing why anyone would vote for a man who clearly has no respect for the rule of law. You have to respect the pillars of our democracy in order to protect and preserve them. Moore clearly thought he was above the judicial branch, not once but twice. What makes us think he’ll operate any differently in the legislative one? 

I have been talking with friends all over the political spectrum over the last couple of weeks, asking them, “Gun to your head: Luther Strange or Roy Moore?” My most liberal friend, I think, almost suffered a heart attack while considering the choices. Even my most conservative friend just crinkled up his face as if he were in pain and shook his head in disgust. Another friend, also disappointed in the choices, said, “Well, at least if Roy Moore wins, he won’t run for governor and he will be Mitch McConnell’s problem, not ours.”

This is where we have gotten in Alabama politics. We have to hope one of our perennial bozo political candidates wins an office so we don’t have to deal with him in another. What a depressing silver lining to contemplate. 

And finally we have Rep. Mo Brooks. He has been the main target of the Senate Leadership Fund, which has spent a fortune on advertising, among other media strategies, to defeat him. They have been going after him so hard, in fact, that when you Google “Mo Brooks” the first thing that comes up is a website paid for by the SLF, mobrooksmolies.com.

When I first read it, I was like, Mo Brooks Molies? What the hell are “molies?” And what is Mo Brooks doing with them? Is it something he needs to have removed from his back because of too much sunbathing in his youth? Or is it something he takes before going to see Skrillex? Boom! Boom! Boom!

Once I clicked on the site, which also basically claims Brooks loves Isis (Go ahead and laugh. It’s so pathetic and transparent it’s ridiculous.), I realized it was “Mo Brooks Mo Lies,” not precancerous skin growths or hallucinogenic drugs. Well, aren’t they clever? Mo Money, Mo stupid political advertising.

The funny (and sad) part about the Brooks campaign though is that he now has to prove he really does love Donald Trump, like, so much he wants to marry him and have babies with him (babies that the Donald will no doubt love even less than Eric and Tiffany — ouch!).

See, Brooks was the Alabama chair of Ted Cruz’s presidential campaign so he naturally talked a lot of smack about Trump during the primary, as many other Republicans did. So Luther and the SLF have been running ads with clips of Brooks saying he didn’t support Trump. Now Brooks has been countering with ads saying he did, in fact, support our current president. But I am just not sure Brooks’ ads have been “lovey dovey” enough.

I’m hoping in the final weekend before the election we will get an ad that shows Mo Brooks tonguing a picture of the president and subtly suggesting he pleasures himself while reading “The Art of The Deal.” I kid, but good Lord, this is just how ridiculous it has gotten. But the mental image I just created there is making me want to throw up too, so I am sorry. This whole election is bile-inducing. 

I really don’t know if it even matters which one of these clowns makes it up there. They will all just vote however they are told to vote and recite the talking points the party tells them to. And defend a guy who I swear was about two sentences away from launching into telling the Boy Scouts about chasing tail in New York, all while saying their faith and Christian values are the most important things to them.

Well, I guess I should say they will defend him until the powers-that-be tell them not to. It really doesn’t matter, we might as well just send Bear Bryant’s hat, a slice of Lane Cake or a jar of white BBQ sauce up there to represent us. Any of which would probably be just as effective and definitely less embarrassing. Sigh. 

Somebody give me a “Molie” and tell me this has all just been a bad dream.