Doomsday conspiracy theorist David Meade prophesied the world would end last week on Sept. 23. Since that didn’t happen, he now says the rapture will be Oct. 15. Funny, I didn’t think important dates like the end of times got to be rescheduled, like, say, a child’s soccer game, but what do I know?
Meade subscribes to the theory that a 10th planet, known as Planet X (which NASA says doesn’t exist), will collide with Earth on this day, which will ultimately lead to the rapture. Bummer. But the upside is that after the rapture, he says, there will be a millennium of peace, so at least we have that going for us … I mean, the ones of us that are still here. Oh wait! No, that wouldn’t be right. I’m confused.
Anyway, Meade said he thought Sept. 23 just marked the beginning of the oncoming rapture. We won’t be full-on into it until October. He even excitedly added, “Hold on and watch — wait until the middle of October and I don’t believe you’ll be disappointed.” So … what? Are we are supposed to be like “Yay! These signs of the apocalypse are so freakin’ awesome, David. You are right. I am not disappointed at all! Except I really thought there would be more fire and a little more brimstone. I was kind of let down by that.”
I’ll have to admit I’m hoping we have a little more time on this Earth, despite all of its many troubles. One more Thanksgiving and Iron Bowl would be nice at least. But, unfortunately, Meade said we should start seeing signs very soon.
I don’t know, Dave. I’m pretty sure we have already started seeing them. Maybe not signs that Doomsday is imminent. Just signs that we are doomed in general.
Two horsemen of the apocalypse?
Without question, Roy Moore and Luther Strange have to be the first two Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Moore even rode his doomsday horse named Sundance to vote. (This is not a joke.)
Voting in the Republican Senate runoff on Tuesday was like picking between diarrhea and vomit. As I am writing this, there are a handful of people going to the polls to make this impossible choice. Many more are just at home crying into their pillows. Though we will not know the victor before these words are inked on this page, I am absolutely positive we are screwed either way.
Moore is the odds on favorite. Just in case he thought we had forgotten how embarrassing he is for our state, he made sure to remind us all on election eve. Donning a vest and cowboy hat, he looked more like Woody from “Toy Story” than a candidate for the U.S. Senate. Although I guess that is insulting to Woody since he never brandished a firearm on stage, as Moore did at Oak Hollow Farm on Monday night.
Why would he do this, you ask? To prove he loves the Second Amendment and his gun so much he would marry it. Well, as long as it’s not gay. But I’ll have to say, Roy, if you are going to pull a firearm out onstage in front of the national media, you should have gone bigger. That teeny little gun you pulled out looked like one used by a murderer in a “Matlock” episode when that murderer was a girl. Yep, that’s right. I called Roy’s gun girlie. It was! Couldn’t Clint Eastwood have loaned you his “Dirty Harry” piece, for heaven’s sake?
It really doesn’t matter how small his weapon is, though, he will still most likely win. And I’m sure he will continue to embarrass us. He’ll probably ride Sundance to his swearing-in ceremony. (I am not joking. This is real life.)
The only solace we have is knowing he can’t issue “orders” like he did when he was a judge. He will only have one vote and will be a lowly junior senator, so hopefully he can’t inflict too much damage. And at least it isn’t a full term. Trust me, I know these thoughts are about as comforting as infected hemorrhoids, but it’s the best we can hope for if we end up with Sen. Ray, I mean, Roy Moore.
IF Big Luther manages to pull off the upset, it will be a BIG surprise. Despite millions of dollars poured into the market to tell us how much Donald Trump loves him and how much Luther loves guns and a border wall, he killed his chances BIG time when he accepted the appointment from former Gov. Robert Bentley. Even though it is more exciting for the national media to make this a referendum on Trump, Strange could never scrub off the “Bentley cooties,” nor did he ever really try to address the shadiness surrounding his appointment. Probably because he had no good way to address it. It was just shameful, if not criminal.
Sigh. So yeah, diarrhea or vomit.
It will be interesting to see which one of these nasty excretions will face Doug Jones in the general, but it doesn’t matter. Though the national media will try to make us think a Democrat could win in ‘Bama, we all know even vomit or diarrhea has a better chance. Sad!
False (home renovating) prophets?
In much, much sadder and far more disturbing news, America’s favorite home renovating couple, Chip and Joanna Gaines, announced this week that the upcoming season of “Fixer Upper” will be their last.
Oh no, say it ain’t so, Chip and Jo!
How could you leave us? I thought we would be together forever. What will Waco do? How will the company that makes the giant “before” signs carry on? And Clint? Jesus, did you guys think about him? Will there be a glut of shiplap on the market? What will old people who sit and watch “Fixer Upper” marathons all day long do? They can’t just magically be expected to feel about the “Property Brothers” the way they do the Gaineses. And don’t even mention those weirdos from “Love It or List It.” They can’t hold an overpriced, hand-poured, soy wax candle from the Magnolia Store to Chip and Jo (they cost $26).
What an absolutely devastating loss to the world. Maybe Mr. Meade is right. This is the beginning of the end. At least it feels like it.