Cancer (6/22-7/22) — After watching how vigorously the city works to keep GulfQuest funded, you’ll jump in too deep on a plan to bring the world’s first crab museum to fruition. You’ll foot the bill on the crab-only aquarium concept, but when it fails no one will bail you out.
Leo (7/23-8/22) — Intoxicated and partially dazed by the powerful rays of the sun, you’ll misinterpret the goal of the Alabama Deep Sea Fishing Rodeo. The authorities will find you holding onto the back of a dolphin while wearing spurs.
Virgo (8/23-9/22) — In protest of Waste Management and the city’s Solid Waste Authority’s inability to get along, you’ll decide to never throw anything away. The decision will lead to a carefree existence for about a day, until you’re unable to find the remote due to all the trash on the floor.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — Committed to bringing professional sports to Hank Aaron Stadium after the BayBears leave, you’ll invest in a professional lacrosse league team and bring it to Mobile. While the sport itself is exciting, Mobilians won’t get it and it’ll leave.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — You’ll hire Alan Sealls to provide you with morning weather updates live from your home every day. You’ll pay him in hot pancakes. You like being prepared for whatever the day brings. He loves pancakes. Everybody wins.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — Your decision to become a cord-cutter will be vindicated after AT&T U-verse continues its assault on local TV programming. When they came for WPMI, we allowed it. When they came for channels that show college football, the massees awoke.
Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — After a successful Prime Day you’ll realize that you saved hundreds of dollars by meticulously searching for online deals. The problem is, after draining your bank account, Amazon will have to deliver those gadgets to you at the Conception Street homeless camp.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — You’ll help solve a number of the city’s problems by footing the bill to turn GulfQuest into a Civic Center and train station. That way, folks who want Amtrak to return will get their way and Mardi Gras folks can have their way. Proceeds from the sale of tickets will go to keep the museum building open.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — You’ll join Orange Beach Mayor Tony Kennon on a work trip to Las Vegas next week. Taxpayers will foot the bill, but Kennon will assure them the trip was the only way he could made sure no one was speeding on his way to Pensacola’s airport.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — After a week of fooling your colleagues into thinking you’re maintaining a diet, you’ll be discovered shame-eating ice cream in the bathroom at work. You’ll be asked to resign after they realized you used a bag of ice in the toilet tank to keep your secret stash cold.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — Unlike most of Twitter, you will not be disturbed by the video of an airplane passenger using his or her foot to scroll through entertainment options. Instead, you’ll get inspired, and on your next cross-country flight you’ll do the exact same thing.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — The sentencing of a popular rapper with remind you of your age after you realize that you didn’t know about his initial arrest or about his existence. While you used to think ignoring popular culture made you cool, you’ll soon realize not knowing about it at all implies the opposite.
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